Thursday, 30 June 2011

The start of a new life.

I woke up and tried to regain my vision, once I did I saw my doll and yesterday regained a place in my memory.

Instantly I sat upright and looked towards my doll reaching over towards her determined I gripped the fabric tightly and dragged her towards me.

"OI" I called out sevral times until I relised I had somewhat lost my voice my entire mouth was dry.

"" I muttered quietly still too weak to speak loudly, where was mystery why didn't she wait for me to awaken.
I felt the doll nuge in my arms and looked down towards it.

'Don't grip so tightly!' I heard in my head

"who are you?" I replied

'don't be such a moron little lullaby listen closely as I say this I'm the one you shoved into this doll and expelled from your body...'

I looked closely at the glint in the doll's eyes and if it could smile I think its grin would be perfect.

"D-Dollmaker!?" I cried out pushing the doll away from me I pressed myself close to the wall.

'now lullaby don't be such a fool you know I won't kill you, if your smart you'll know I can't live without you and you cant live without me'

the doll stood upright and walked towards me slowly trying to learn to control this new body.
"don't you dare do anything you'll regret.." I said softly.

she sighed, sounding irrated as she fell.

'stupid body...' Even after all she's done I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

"H-here" I reached my hand out.

'I don't need your help!' she growled and smacked my hand away.

'If you didn't put me in here to begin with-' 
"But I'm wanted everywhere because of you!"
'humans should learn better, if they think they can just control people like you because your a teenager there insane someone needs to teach them a lesson!' she got up and glared at me.

"I don't hate you" I said 'Even after you killed Jessica, even after everything I don't hate you..but I want to know why"

'Why? Why I killed her, why I killed anyone who got close to you...that is for me to know" she laughed.

"You should know I'm not going anywhere without you!"

'Fine by me, preferred method of transportation has always been my your arms' she chuckled

I reached out and gripped her tightly dragging her towards me.

"Because your still a part of me, that is why I cannot hate you...'

She moved her head to look upwards towards me, 'whatever lullaby, if anyone trys to hurt you I'll still kill them I swear to God if anyone trys to drag you away from me I will never let them live'

What a violent spirit she is, I wonder if there is anyway to make her see the beauty of this world.
'Lets find a way out of here'

I tried getting up to no advial


'damatte kudasai...(shut up, please)"

'If I was a seprate person I would smack you upside the head for that comment...." she said sounding angry

"Don't call me a wimp"

'don't tell me to shut up!'

"are we really going to have this argument?"

'we could if you wish to go on'

"Anyone! please un-chain me..."

A small voice called out 'Lullaby' and I looked around towards the outline figure of a twelve year old girl.

"N-neh can you help me?" I asked.

She nodded.

'I hate her already'

Monday, 27 June 2011

Naze Watashi?

なぜ私'Why me'
I've been looking at the above statement, Mystery left me with my laptop so I opened Itunes and played my favorite music.
I'm not sure why, why I was stuck with this problem.
I'm almost set on going into silent mode and never talking again, ever since I was a child anyone who's been close to me has either disappeared or left me.

I've always been alone.
And now I'm alone again.
Why am I always alone? I wanted to be around someone my entire life and just have someone who will do the same.

But no one seemed to care, until I met you guy's. Then why do I feel so lonely? as if I'm not like the rest. could I be hated for having her inside me possibly...

Then what is my purpose? This is why at times I wish I was a star, no one hates the stars, have you ever heard someone say that they hate the stars?
But yet I still have this drive to live, I don't even this this is me, this cannot be the me everyone should know.

I am no longer Lullaby.

I refuse to even say the me that is speaking and writing and breathing is me.
I believe the Dollmaker has hidden the true me away somewhere in the sky, so that I can only feel as she does.

If this is this true Dollmaker please do away with me that way I may shine in the heavens then I wont be lonely.

Life is so heavy to live.

"Where should I head towards? Even if there isn't answer, I'll feel better by writing it down. I've looked for a pair of helping hands but I couldn't feel them, couldn't see them. I only face towards darkness and hear, hear the sounds of my hopeless screams."-Aya kito

Sunday, 26 June 2011

peaceful way to die.

a charm, intresting now both me and her can exit and
enter the building as we please.So I decide d 'we' would take a walk around
the woods.
How irrating little lullaby is, I know she loves me, her damnned
cousin anyways Jessica deserved every bit of pain she got, she deserved to
die.If it wasn't for Jessica coming into her life, I would still have been
her faviourt, think about it she 'slept' and had a 'dream' when really she
was seeing what I was doing and she had no control.
The love for Jessica she had created an emotion stronger then hate inside
me, so I did what I could to mulaite her body, thats right...
I.Killed.Jessica.And thinking about the feeling of her warm blood gushing
onto my hand's still send's shivers of pleasure down my spine. How lovely
that final kiss tasted, the warm taste of copper.Of course she was still
breathing, I really wanted her to die drowning.
Is drowning a peaceful way to go?
Do you think struggling for air and knowing
you're going to die is peaceful way?I don't think so. :D
As for the damn border gaurds who demaneded to send her back after all the
trouble to get here, how dare they. So I just took control I used one to
shoot and tear apart the other's body with his teeth, how funny it was to
watch him act like a dog.
The way his jaw's clamped around his friends arm and bit until blood dripped
to the ground (ill try and spare you the details) how lovely it was as I sat
and watched them struggle.
I made sure the one being killed couldnt scream
either, how you may ask, well you can't scream if you have no toungue and if
your lips are sliced to your ears I guess it helps that I broke his jaw
I made sure he lived though I wanted him to feel each part of his body
be ripped of, I also made sure to help.
I couldn't let my new doll have all the fun, sure a few chunks of flesh on
the ground and a broken arm but I made the finishing move I broke his neck.
The truck driver was the most fun though because I snuck into his truck and
hid under a tarp, I got a free ride.
Until he stopped and opened the tarp,
seeing me he got very angery.I didn't enjoy being yelled at soI got in the
drivers seat and hit the gas, I guess hisfoot wasn't moved so I crushed the
bones then backed up and ran him over and then went into drive and ran him
over then reverse and kept the  c ycle up until I drove to the city.Then I got
out, crawled into the back of the truck and let lullaby awaken.
No one hurts Lullaby.No one takes her from me.
The guy I saw in the wood's the one who gripped onto my arm tightly almost
demanding I return to socity so I can get help, because apperently I
shouldnt be playing in the woods because of animals.
Because I'm so scared of wild animals, how dare he touch me.
I asked to be relised, I tried to ask nicely, sadly the blood stains on my
clothes tell a diffrent  and more crule tale, the one on how skin can easily
be broken with a knife, and how much fun your having as you rip apart
someone's carcasse, so much fun that you forget what your doing and the
screams become meangless.then it's all splurts and gaging of blood.of course
I had to find a way to rid of this cloathing, I got into the house removed
them, changed into a new set of jeans, tank top and her faviourt dark green
I hid the blood stained cloathign the best I could, hopefuly no one will go
snooping around.I tied her hair back into her pigtails and combed out her
How lovely.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Safe with Mystery.

Mystery picked me up, she seems like such a lovely person I hope I can become close to her without anything happening. I really do, maybe I can become close to everyone that's in the group too I do feel horrible though for not talking it's just as of now I'm scared to maybe its because I don't really know them or perhaps because I never really become close to anyone anymore.

All these feelings mix together it's causing me to become somewhat ill to the point where I can't eat properly, 
although I'm hungry I don't want to ask for anything.
And I remember I was very quiet, I've never been one for holding up conversations, maybe that's why my mother told me I would never keep or make any friends.

Once we got to the house I remember climbing onto the second story to watch the stars, I didn't want to move or talk or anything just sit and watch the stars in silence.

The stars are amazing, they shine no matter what and they keep shining and when they die they create new stars and they don't judge they are beautiful.

What was I thinking anyways, running with the Dollmaker, if something happens I don't want to have to wake up with anyone dying in my hands how would I live with myself.

I'm happy to be off the streets though, that's somewhere I do NOT belong it's cold, you get hungry and the streets are hard to rest on. Anything could have happened to me, what a foolish mistake just bolting out of that truck I wonder where the driver was anyways.

I do remember one thing when passing by the newspaper stands trying to find out where I was and I feel stupid for not posting this sooner, a police man was being accused of murdering a fellow cop apparently it was a gruesome murder.

I think it was at the same office I was dragged into, do you think maybe I may have...NO I refuse to believe I did that!

The last part I read was that he pleaded not guilty, he said it felt as if he had no control over his body, like someone was using him.

I don't think that will hold up well in court, I don't know about the US but in Canada it always seems to be a short time in jail, five years I believe, then patrol for another year or so.

I couldn't sleep, not unusual for me but tonight I was just more restless, A new place far away from my family I looked at my wrist where the letters HoPE were scarred into my skin.

I kept holding my hand's up gazing at the stars through my fingers 'how far away I am from heaven' was all I thought at that moment.

Mystery is very kind, I thank her for what she's doing for me.I'm very happy to have met her, I hope I can enjoy it around here.

This place were in is also very nice, I enjoy it, although I want to start looking around for places tomorrow I can hide in and be alone, there must be a nice few around here.

I think I'll just rest for now.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Panera Bread, 375 Marketplace Blvd, Trenton, NJ 08691.

I've seen news papers that tell me where I am but by the time I finally get to a place with wireless internet I always seem to forget.

But I got the name now, Trenton.
or thats what the guy who gave me the last of his pastry told me, he sat and talked to me for about an hour.

He was really nice I think his name was Ray, he even bought me a hot drink and gave me some cash so I can buy myself a proper meal.

Then he told me he had an important business meeting to go to, he was dressed nice a suit and tie and shiny shoes.

Now that I know the name of the location I'm in I feel a little safer.

I think i'll say outside this shop, Mystery.
Panera Bread, 375 Marketplace Blvd, Trenton, NJ 08691.

I'll be waiting for you.

I don't understand, how did I, I mean I understand the fact that I was coming to New Jersey but how did I get in the back of this truck

I remember getting out of the plane, I remember two men taking me into a room telling me that they were going to have to send me back to Canada because I didn't have a passport, they were just about to make a phone call.

Then it all went blank and I woke up in this truck.
I was under a tarp, curled up holding my backpack tightly and when the truck stopped I got out and ran.
I just kept running, I'm scared.

Now its dark and the homeless people are looking at me wondering why im on the street's.
Thats a good question, It's late, I'm cold and the homeless shelters i've passed were filled.

This is not what I expected when I came to New Jersey.
I don't even know where I am, I'm lost...I'm hungry...I'm cold...I just want to find a open feild where I can watch the stars.

I just want to watch the stars.


Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Vancouver to the States.

This is it.
I'm not sure if sitting in this airport, halfway in tears is the best way to leave my home country.
I'm not sure if holding onto myself tightly and curled up is the best way to say goodbye.

But right now it’s all I feel, I know I have to get out, I'm just reflecting thoughts.

Jessica I'm sorry your life ended so violently, I wish I could have protected you better I wish I could hold onto you and just mutter my apologies but your gone, I love you were ever you are.

Mother and father I wasn't the best child I'm sorry if I made a fool out of you sometimes, I swear I tried my best but I guess it's my fault I'm leaving, I got myself into this mess and I'll find a way out and then I'll come home safe and sound. I love you both, I'm so sorry.

Little sister I know the world may seem confusing and you'll question why I'm leaving and I'm sorry I never got to teach you the beauty of this world and I'm sorry if I ever did anything stupid to hurt you, I love you and always will.

To the people in this world forgive me that I'm not like everyone else, but my heart still beats like yours and I still breath like you do so we have the same drive to survive therefore I'm still like you, I still deserve a chance to live, at least give me that.

Dear dollmaker and slenderman, I'm letting you know NOTHING will stop me now, as long as this heart 
keeps beating and as long as I keep breathing I will use every ounce of my strength to make sure I stay alive.

I don't think right now I have room for fear or doubts I have to continue looking ahead.

If there is a ground below me and a sky above me I will forever feel safe.
If there are stars I will forever have a path to guide me.

Keeping this in mind I must be going, he's here to pick me up.

Swallow your fear, and just keep moving.
And I will be there beside you.
I promise
Hope to meet some of you soon.


Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Toronto Airport Update.


I hate being surrounded by whiny little three year old's, and teenagers and there group of friends who think they rule the airport.
Not to mention the adults who give me strange looks as if to ask where my parents are.

I hate the fact that I've been kicking around here for three hours listing that damned announcer
announce when each flight is leaving, I also hate this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach, as if I'm going to be sick.

I've been thinking of something to post that may be somewhat of use, as if I could offer that as of now.
Maybe that by tomorrow afternoon I'll be in the states, God knows where but in the states non-the-less

I don’t know why but I keep looking out the window hoping for some sort of comfort.

All I have is this backpack with a few personal items.
I'm quite ok with my outfit, it’s enough to keep me warm yet loose enough to move around in.

I’m running with her inside me, the dollmaker.
And I'm beginning to wonder if this was a good idea all runners please forgive me if anything bad happens I don't want to hurt you that’s the last thing I want.

I've been getting weird looks all day, maybe because I was rushed and wasn't able to do my makeup, I look too simple without makeup it’s irritating.
Apparently I also look younger which is even more irritating.

The lady I sat with on the plane to here was nice, but she talked too much asking me where I was going, where I was from, how old I was and she just kept talking about her grandson.
I just pretended to fall asleep and if I could have hid in the overhead compartment I think I would have.

Now I'm sitting here, leaning against the window just waiting for my plane to be called, Of course I’m terrified after this I'll be headed to the states where I'll be checked by customs what will I say?

I don't have a passport, I don’t even think it is possible that I can come up with a good excuse within a day; they’re going to ship me back to Canada.

No, I can't go back, I need to go forward.

They just called my flight.

Shady..Mystery I hope to be seeing you soon...I hope.


Road bump.

Although it only takes a day to get where I was supposed to go, her car broke down.

We had to wait for a mechanic to come pick us up and take us to the nearest town.

The air was dry and people just drove past as we leaned against the truck.

She told me she was sorry, that she should have been more careful.

I said it was fine; I didn't mind relaxing in the sun.

The guy finally came. He looked at the engine and told us something had overheated. Luckily, he would be able to tow us to the garage and he said he’d let us stay there for a bit.

Once we got there, she went online and bought a plane ticket for me.

"We will arrive at the airport tomorrow. You'll get on the plane and fly to Toronto, and you'll wait there for a few hours; then, fly to Vancouver. You'll stay in the Vancouver airport for a day. Near eleven, a man will pick you up. He will smuggle you into the cargo hold of a plane flying to the U.S. From there, you just have to get past customs and find a way to Jersey..."

Something was off. How did she know exactly where I was headed? Well, to be fair, the whole trip seemed a little off.

This woman, mid-twenties, overhears me talking about getting out of the country and offers me a free ride to the airport, and then offers to pay my way to the United States. Any other adult would have just said, 'Stay in school, you’re too young to live on your own.' Next to that, she seems too kind, paying for everything, leaving out no expense.

Now, she’s just sitting on the couch, watching me as I type this all out. Her stare is totally blank.

She has long blond hair and eyes like green crystals...she reminds me of a doll...

She is.


Sunday, 19 June 2011


Couldn't kill her, I tried.
She tried to kill me, and almost won.

We stood there staring at each other, she wasn't anywhere near any nightmarish image, more like a beautiful angel, hard to imagine.
She almost shone with a white light.

She laughed like a child as she brought the knife down and all I could do was life my arms as a defense.
Blood splatter
extreme pain
more of the sound of flesh ripping.

I took the knife by my hands and turned it on her, (the knife left deep cuts in both my hands) impaling it into her stomach, hearing her scream sent shivers down my spine.
I ripped out the knife and felt the serrated edge tear more of her flesh as I pulled with a upwards pull.
once out I didn't stop, stabbing her again in her shoulder with the same upwards tearing motion.

She smile and grabbed my chest twisting the flesh it in a counter clockwise way, her nails dug into it causing blood to run down her fingers, I winced in pain.
And with that smile she spoke 'This body will be mine'.

She was stronger then what her tiny body looked like.
I gripped her arm and tried pulling her away but she was focused on tearing my skin away from me.
I used the knife on her again, right into her eye.

she instantly pulled away covering her face, screeching in pain, swearing at me.
'You fucking bitch, I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, Father..please help father.'

That's when help came in, that's when slenderman came in, and even though he does no have a face he looked pissed.

The last thing I remember is seeing his hands wrapping around my neck and the feeling of a death overcoming me.

I awoke out of breath and terrified my heart beating too fast and my body hurt to much to move.
I'm leaving.
I have to go even if this demon child is inside me I need to find help from someone who can help me rid of her.

I've looked at my map, I'm going to somehow cross the canadian/us border.
I have a girl who's willing to drive me to the border although she say's I'll have to get my own way from there.
That's perfectly fine.
She's going to pay for my plane ticket, then she will take me straight to the border.

I'm scared of what's going to happen from here on in.
But I do have to leave.

I may go to New Jersey, Possibly New York.
To Mystery and Shady be on the look out for me, you may or may not see me.

Joel and Lucas, we may cross paths.

This is it.
Even with the doll maker I must go forward.
I can't risk killing anyone I know well.

Father, Mother forgive me, I know I am not the daughter you've always asked for but up to this point I have tried my hardest.
Sister, I love you, you may not understand why I am gone, but understand I have to leave.

Slenderman, Dollmaker, Proxies.


Saturday, 18 June 2011

This may be my last post.

Tomorrows my birthday.
I'll be 17.
So will she.

I'll be facing the dollmaker tomorrow.
in my dreams.
we both want to win, but only one of us can.
Hence why I now say, this my be my last post, for tomorrow I may die.

what a scary thought.
Have I lived the life I wanted to?
I'm going to be 17 and I'm going to be killing a part of myself.
Either way, I don't know if Ill be OK.

If I live through it, it may take a few days for me to recover from the images that will fly though my head.
for what my grandmother described I should do, is horrifying and sicking, yet I know i must go through with it.

I don't want to leave this world and if you could see the tears streaming down my face you would see that I do want to live.
Even with slenderman, the troubles I face even with the proxies.
I have you all.

Without you I wouldn't be able to do this, you are all like a second family.
Therefore I thank you.
To all of you, the fighters keep fighting you are strong, the runners keep running you are smart, the confused keep looking you will find, the dying don't give up help will arrive.

I wish you could hear my voice, I would tell you how proud I am to have met you all.
If you could see my smile I would make sure you remembered it.

I'll use every ounce of my strength to make sure that if it so happens I die, I will die still trying to fight.

I'm not super human, I'm not a special case, I'm still only a teenage girl trying to find her way through life.
I just happened to have a little bit more pushed onto her plate.

Just a little bit different from the rest, but that's what makes me, just being like this.
Maybe that's why I look up when walking, I'm trying to find something up there like me.
Something a little bit different that has to face this cruel, cold world.
Maybe that's why I like the stars so much, because even though the sky is dark or the air may be cold they shine so bright, and the only time we can't see them is when they are covered.

I want to be like that, I want to shine bright and make sure the only time people can't see me is when I am covered over.
I wonder often if I can be.

The stars are so beautiful.
Can I become beautiful like them?

I guess i can only say that, even if I die remember that I died trying, remember that one thing that I never died giving up that I stood and fought till I couldn't move.
Remember that one thing.

I want Joel and Lucas to keep trying, you two show a strength that I've never really seen, maybe it's because you have each other.
I want Shady to keep going, you've faced so much so don't you dare give up.
I want Mystery to give advice to all, you were ever so helpful to me I am forever grateful.
I want Trinity to stay alive, your a great person I can tell, therefore you need to live.
M, Your very smart don't stop running.
Z, I'm sorry for the troubles you've faced, keep your head up and run.

Your all amazing, thank you.
If I live, I hope to meet you all. things that never change no longer in this world? things that I want to convey no longer in this heart?

The depths of the night, morning awaits, the repeating everyday...

Hey, if you have already forgotten about that promise,
Hey, with this singing voice, ah, hope it reaches you,

From the end to the start, from overflowing tears today begins

To the distance to the distance the silhouette of past seeking for light, ah...
To the distance to the distance wanting to grasp the unceasing mirage, yeah...

Overlapping, overlapping, light and shadow
Beyond there lies something

It’s a miracle that we were able to meet
My eternal thoughts shine
I’ll be by your side forever and ever

Never forget.

Friday, 17 June 2011


about the post yesterday, me and my mom have been having a lot of fights lately.
A lot.
About everything.

She's always been in almost full control of my entire life, its overly stressful and really just pisses me off.
Sometimes I like to keep secrets, but she demands I tell her everything.

Yesterday I went for a walk, to the next town over, then back, when i came home I was bombarded with questions.
'Where did you go?, do you know what time it is?, don't you have school tomorrow?, Were you with someone?'

I know mothers worry, I know parents worry, I know people worry but it was getting ridiculous.
I always answer the same was, I always have, well until the one walk where I get on the ferry, but anyways.

'I went around town, no I don't know 9:30 maybe, No mom i told you I'm done school, No I'm never with someone I've always walked alone.'

"Did you go to Bruce's house?"
You see Bruce is a new worker up at the store, I'll admit he's sort of cute but I have no will or desire to date anyone  at this time in my life, nor do I even WANT to fall in love(something I do too easily).
"No I never"

She raised her eyebrow in a questioning sense
"Humm, are you sure?"

"I just told you NO mom...Jeeze"
She didn't believe me, I wouldn't lie to her about something like that.

Then she said that I'm not acting like I usually do, I've changed.
Oh really, well lets see I'm turning 17 in two days so yeah you COULD possibly say I've changed a little.

but just a little.

Oh did I forget to mention that there's a guy, you know no face, black tie and suit, white undershirt, stands at least oh you know eight maybe nine feet tall, possibly wants to kill me? Also there's another 'thing' inside me who periodically takes control and kills people, and there's little followers of the big no face man who have attacked me.

Silly me, mom, my bad.

Nope, none of that that could have possibly changed me, well guess its puberty after all.

Next to that I'm lonely.
No other runners(around here), just me, no one else around here see's slenderman, just me.
Guess I can't just wait for someone to come here grab my arm and take me with them I'll have to go looking on my own.

I don't want to run alone, but I'm sure I'll have to.
I've asked for a bag for my B-day its a hunting bag.
I'll be packing.


Ill be leaving.

As About God.
God, I love you, I want to serve you, but to have someone plan out steps as to what I would have to do scares me, I know right from wrong, but being human I will mess up, I wouldn't do wrong on free will.

So help me?
Lead me?
Because i'm never going to have the strength on my own.

God ........

I wish I was never born


Wednesday, 15 June 2011


finals are done.
I am free..
Wait am I?
I don't know anymore who's in control.

Let me explain:

some time this morning I awoke in the woods, all I could do was look up into the dark night, the stars and moon were still up which means it must have been early morning and the ground was a little damp, I assume from the rainfall we've been having.
It was peaceful so I just enjoyed it, the fresh smell of grass and sweet water filled the cool night air, I don't think I enjoyed the night so much as this one time.
My hand's felt warm, unnaturally warm, as if someone was pouring a hot, warm liquid over them. At first the feeling was weird but I grew use to it.

I was growing aware more and more of my surroundings as I sat up at looked around, the moon illuminated every tree and moss filled surface, the sound of the waterfall that is just outside my community seemed closer then ever.
It seemed as if I was slowly becoming aware of my senses, touch the liquid, smell the grass and air, see the light, hear the noises, taste the copper.

The copper that was on my lips, the copper that stained my pale lips a blood soaken red as I soon learned from rubbing my fingers across my bottom lip the colour of red appeared on my fingers.
It was blood, not the lipstick on my makeup drawer, which was home the place I sure of hell wasn't.

The feeling of something beating, squirming and twitching in my other hand, the one that was on the wet moss I squeezed it unsure of what it was soft and warm.
there was a  gurgling, a soft whimper and noise of splurting, those un-human noises will never leave my dreams.

It was him, the guy who had injured me, his chest was sliced perfectly around his heart, his bloody, beating, dying heart that was in my hand.
He was unable to speak for the only thing coming from his mouth now was blood, warm thick blood that glimmered in the moon's light down his pale, dying face.
His hand's reached out to mine, as if begging for me to save him.
I couldn't help, I shuffle back, tears mixed with the dried blood on my face.

I noticed everything now, all my surroundings became perfectly clear, all the blood that mixed with the dirt and moss, how the trees swayed in the soft breeze.
And the terrified scream that escaped from my lips.
And the way that fucking maniac smiled, the way that he turned his lips for one last time before I crushed his heart in my hand's.
before I really put an end to him.

I came home, bloodied up, and washed the best I could of my sins away down the drain.
How I acted like nothing happened.
But inside I was still terrified, of that face, that smile, that still beating heart and how I killed him.

He was still alive when I crushed his only life in my hands.
I'm a killer.
I'm worthless.
I'm scared.
I need to get away.
Who am I
What is my purpose for living?

should I run?
Where could I run
I need to kill someone
It will be my last kill
It will be my only purposeful murder, the only one I will choose to commit with these two bare hands.

I need to kill the doll maker.
I need to kill that fucking girl, I don't see mii anymore.
Its her fucking face, her laugh her thoughts I'm not living my life.
and its scaring me.


Tuesday, 14 June 2011

The Dollmaker

So this is Melissa's blog?
Finally got to see it.
Read through it.

Seem's like she hasn't been sleeping, seem's like she want's rid of me
why would she want to rid of me?
I'm protecting her.
I'm saving her.

Odd child she was to begin with
Oh father, please just give me full control.
I'll be good and create lot's of dolls.

I do apologize for what she had to go through with that one stray.
He shouldn't have tried to awaken me again before my time.
He will pay.
I'll make him pay.
He busted up my beautiful body, my poor leg.

I guess I should track the stray down, father wouldn't be happy if we have a broken doll running around attacking those who father doesn't want attacked.
What a pain.
I think Ill have tea first, and change out of these clothes into a nice dress.
It's nice to be in control again.

-The Dollmaker


Finally infection going away, back home too.
My grandma phoned over to check on me.

I had to ask her, maybe she would know something about the dollmaker.
She did.
A lot.

Apprarently it's like a curse your either born with it or your not.
She compared it to cancer cells, we all have them but only some people have them awakened.
I guess you COULD compare it to cancer, but she DID say your either born with it or your not.

She said the dollmaker is like a separated personality who's primary concern is to serve a master, it will die serving him and is loyal it him only.

It usually awakens when the host is in grave danger or when the host is angered enough, It puts the host in a sleep like state and awakens.
It will kill without second thought,but it will act innocent and try to befriend first.
It will make it seems as if its doing nothing wrong or its trying to find its way
It will not regret, it will try to break people to make them into a doll like human.

Hearing all this sent me into a spiral of mixed emotions.

Can you destroy it?

This gave me hope.

You must find a way to septate the two people, the host and the dollmaker, then the host, the real human must kill the dollmaker in the most gruesome way, I could hardly believe the words that my grandmother was saying, there for I think it's better if I spare you the nightmares.

Let's say it will NOT be a good sight when I'm done with it.
Assuming I can go through with it.

First step is to find a way to separate it from me.

Any Ideas?


Sunday, 12 June 2011

7 days.


Snuck onto computer.
just wanted to let you know, I wont be on for a few day's, they want to keep mii here.
Leg infected apparently, wrist is healing good.
how bothersome, i feel fine, maybe its just the drugs.

changed layout, more peaceful.
I'm in the hospital, don't worry, safe.

gotta go, see you in a week or so.


Saturday, 11 June 2011


I'm at a Hospital.
They gave me some pain medication and cleaned and stitched my wounds and kept asking me what happened.

I was attacked.

Then I asked to use a computer.
They let me use it to let everyone know I am OK.
I lost a lot of blood and my cuts were deep.

apparently It was a miracle I survived.I was half dead and still dying when my dad's work friend found me.

He called the hospital, they rushed down.
Both my parents are away right now.
He stayed with me for a little while until they arrived.

all I wanted to say was 'thank you, thank you'.
All i could do was cry as i tried to speak but nothing would come out.
I'm sorry.

Dream safe.

Friday, 10 June 2011


fuck..I cant see.
It hurts..It hurts..ithurts.

so,much blood.
All I know, all I can see is my ring, my blood stained ring.
My bathroom, my bedroom, my clothing, my arm, my face, all blood stained.
Gone, he's gone.
Still hurts.
Feel cold.

Am I dying?
I'm scared.
It hurts.

it hurts........................

puLliNg Out aLl OlD MemOrIeS.
ShE's StILl FiGhtiN' AgaiNst Me.

StrOngER ThEn FiRst thOuGht.

teMpTed to KiLL HeR.
bUT I nEEd HeR.

pRess AgaiNst hEr WOunD
She WiLL BECOme herSeLF AgaIN
mY LiTTle DoLL MakEr.
yo'UR 'FaTher' AwAitS.



(ShORt PoST MuST StArT 'FixInG' HeR)
AsLeep in Wood''s
I ToOk Her KniFe BefoRE I LefT.

WhEn ShE WokE up sHe TriEd RunNing
GraBbed her leG, ShE Fel/l.

she TrIEd to KicK Me, I PuLLed OuT the KniFe.
h'eR eye"S WideNed, 'P-plEasE  doN't'
I HaD to.
I hAd tO stAb Her, I dIdn't Wan'T HeR RunNiNg aNymore.

AnD shE woN;;t be EithEr.
NoT anYmoRE.

NoW ThE ReaL f,Un Beg.Ins//
I'lL TrAvLE,
I'ntO HeR MIn.D
SeE If I caN MaKe Herr
The DolLmAkeR, sHe WaS beFore.


Thursday, 9 June 2011

GoNE.DamN ChiLD.

WhEN tHe doLL MaKer Awoke, ShE LUnGed aT Me.

FoOliSH, I InJecTed HeR AgaIN, She cRinGEd AnD PulLED AwAY, Sh'Es GoNe.
No't FaR SoON SHE'll SLEep AgAIN.

ShE Is STubborN, ShE ShOUld KnoW HeR PlACe.

IF YoU See HeR HaN'D Her OvER To US.
YoU DonT WanT aNY TrOUblE Do YoU?!
I MuSt Fin''d HeR Now.

WhAT TrouBle The DoLLMaKer is.

A DOllMakER MakEs ToY DoLL''s//
ThE DoLlMaKer, MakE'S PeOplE InTo DoLLS aS HeR PERsonAL ToY's
ShE CaN DeSTRoY ThE FaCT ThaT THey EvER EXIsted.
As A ChIlD, ShE NeveR HaD FrIEnDS, So ShE MADe FriENDS.
OuT Of AnimALs And HumANs.

TeLL Me, BeFoRE I LEave.
Do YoU SeE heR BeaUTy?

liE ALL You /waNt
TrY IF yOu WisH
YoUR THe OnE ABouT To........

SMilE foR thE CaMERa
DoLL MaKer, My LIttLe OnE




We've all wished at least once that we were someone else.
That one person who we thought had it all.
Had the best girlfriend/boyfriend,wife/husband.
the one that had the nicest things, never got in trouble, had the money, had the 'life'

none of that matters to me anymore.
All I care about is staying alive, from myself.

I've been trying so hard to find out what this effin 'doll maker' means.
Because its the only thing that pisses me off the most about all this mail Ive been getting.
personally I don't think its really that good, I really don't.

I had the oddest dream-like thing.
(you can't call it a dream I wasn't sleeping, could you call it a vision? I'm not sure but it was just like i was seeing things sorta like a dream.If you know the proper term please tell mii...)
It was of the girl in the white dress, She was playing with something, and the whole place reeked of rotting human flesh, she moved her black hair from her face and turned around looking in my direction.
but not at me.
and her face, her face, those eyes, that smile, those blood covered hand's, she was no child, not a child she was my age, she stood up a body, and she got up soon after and it, the body, followed her like a wind-up toy.

"Thank you" she said softly, looking in my direction but not at me.
Did I dare turn around?
/When i did all i saw was a black suit and the words.
'Your welcome my child'.

Well shit, what the fuck does this all mean?

Unable to function

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

dreaming of a little girl

First off, Apologies
you shouldn't have heard me go on and on about my life's sob story, non the less hear THAT much swearing.

Second, my thoughts and Ideas.
Soon I'll be outta here, although i have no one to really turn to.
I know there are a lot of runners, but i'd have a better chance if I was in the US i'm so isolated around here.
that's what makes this all so incredibly difficult for mii.
Damn, damn, damn, damn.

Thirdly, I tip my hat to my followers who are putting up with my BS.
life's been so hard for mii, Jessica's death, Mr.Slenderman, a few proxies and my stupid so called friends.

Although I've been writing a detailed plan, for running, need a plan in case of emergencies.
If I can get to the US I will have more of a chance of finding others who are running, its GETTING to the US that the problem starts.

forgive me, for ranting about my bad day.
I'm so stressed.
Plus Ive been getting weirder and weirder cryptic messages, possibly from proxies.

'Hold onto your doll, hold onto it tight, that doll is your heart, hold it with your might, you are the last one, the last one on the list, even though we've called you crazy, your just a little girl who's smile makes us cringe. HE misses you Melissa.'

'Last one?', 'list?', 'We've?' 'HE?' who are these people? what the heck do they want? what list? what do they mean last one? and who is HE? and how do they know my name?

I mean I keep dreaming of a little girl, I've never seen her face and I've only seen her in the distance, but I keep seeing her.
Oh dear, this is turning into a nightmare.
wake me up?
tell mii that I'm dreaming?
I need a drink.


I'm semi-alive I like to think I'll never be alive because a part of me can't sleep.

Maybe because Mr.noface follows mii too.
Maybe because proxies won't stop leave me lovely dead animals.
Maybe because I'm half insane.

All of the above//>?
My 'friend' got her nose pierced, personally I think it looks:
Super fucking ridicules, its Ugly as fucking hell and I almost punched her in the face when I saw her.
No joke she lied to me too.

she said 'Oh no I wont get it done' when I asked her about it.
Pops in Wednesday 'Oh hi' *Tries to hug me* I pushed her away.

I don't think I've ever been SO mad at someone.
'Oh but I'm still the same me as yesterday'
Yeah with a fucking silver thing attached to your FUCKING NOSE!\
'Oh but I'll only have it in for a little while then I can get a pretty rhinestone'
I REALLY hope you fucking wake up one day and look into the mirror and regret ever getting it done!.
I really do 
Needless to say I stopped talking to her all together, not so hard because I'm so mad at her.

She walked up to me and tried to apologize
stammering like a stupid child
I laughed at her and told her I didn't give a dam anymore, she could do what she wanted because I was no longer involved in her life.
She begged me to just talk to her.
I said no.
I said soon it wouldn't matter.
I said I would be gone.
I didn't say goodbye.
I didn't say how I hated how she fucking lied to me.
I didn't say how hurt I was.
I didn't say how much I loathed her.

I didn't say a lot of things I should have.

she was right it was her choice to get it.
but it's my choice on my opinion.

She's right I'm a bitch because I stopped talking to her because of that one thing,
but she don't know its was because of a lot of things,
She don't know that when I stopped talking to her all her other little friends stopped talking to me.
The people who I THOUGHT were my friends
Aren't they wont talk to me because I wont talk to her.

Jack asses.
what the hell?!
as if I didn't have enough issues.
I can't wait till two of them graduate and I never have to see them again.
then next year its her and her boyfriend.
Her and her FUCKING boyfriend.

Screw them.
Screw life.
Screw slenderman.
FUCK HIM, LEAVE ME ALONE, get out of my head slenderman, you think your so good?

What is it you even want of me?
To make me a follower? A proxie? you want me to work for you? do you wanna kill me?

 I'm running away soon, pretty damn soon.
God know's where, all I know is to get off this place and somewhere far away.
Somewhere far far away.
From everything, everyone.

 'Do you wanna play a game? I'll play a game I'll set the stage and you will run, I'll follow you with careful steps, I'm just behind you peek-a-boo'
What the hell does that mean?



Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Heartbeat stop. Sing for the Microphone Mii.

Nearly died.
I am Ok.
I am OK?
Am I OK?

been singing a lot apparently, not normal music (question mark;://(?), what is normal).
Song's about Him..Not good.
Actually found a recording I must have done, distorted and fuzzy.

'If you lead me out from the darkness, I'll lead you straight back in I'll lead you to the place, the place with the slenderman, soon you cannot hide, he'll thank me for this work and he'll give me all the dolls he calls them human C*white noise*es '

I got scared very scared.
Was that Mii singing?!
No not possibly my voice, not possible
I then tried to do another recording of a song I was writing Did not go over well I played it once and there was a blank part where i knew I had sung, amplified it then played it again.

went something like this.

'Who i-*silence*(Ps from here on it had to be amped) *fuzzy noise* love who is hate *Odd noise as if someone was vacuuming at the time AKA more different audio messing up* WHO WILL(yes it really amped up in the last part) then the rest was normal.

I saved the file.
I'll upload it to youtube so you can hear it, I did NOT(EMPHASES ON THE NOT) tweak it at all the only tweaking i did with the audio was amp it so I could hear it.
My head hurts.
so does my stomach.

I'm not well at all.

With dreams

Strength in the form of a heartbeat.

One exam this week, next week Monday and Tuesday, then done exams.
Put in resumes, then run.
Run, ferry, after birthday even for just a few days.
Don't care how worried parents will be, I don't think they understand, I hope there will be a big fight so I'll have an excuse.
I own a pocket knife, its a nice knife, sharp.
It's the best weapon I own it's my protection from proxies and slenderman.
Hate him, loath him, despise him, never forgive him.
I'm calm don't worry, tired and a little beat up but calm.

I've learned to look at him in the face, no longer running from him ready to kill.
Anger is the reason I can, I can stare him straight in the face with my own smirk.
If he had a mouth he would probably just smirk as well, cocky little bugger.

I bet he thinks he can break me, I bet he thinks he can break my mind.
He don't know me that well dose he?
He don't know how well I can adjust to situations handed to me.

Hey Slendy you'll have to work harder..A heck of a lot harder
Enter my mind for a moment you'll see the horrors unleashed.

I feel my heart beating, even softly.
This is my true strength.

Ready to play? I'll take your proxies that you send and knock them down like dolls.

I'm ready to play..
Send your toys.
Send your little soldiers
Send them to mii.
I'll drag them straight to the abyss

Sleep for tomorrow is a new day.

Even I shall attempt sleep.
Attempt being the key word.

Dream sweet.
Rest well.
Gather strength.
For tomorrow is a new day.
Although it's the same battle.

'I often look into the starlit skies and ask myself why it is that I am alive in such a cruel, cold world'
Then the answer always hit's me.
"Because I was given the strength provided to push through..."

With Faith

Monday, 6 June 2011

New life.

I've been thinking a lot.
Too much?

mainly of my life where i'm going from here on in
Hell as long as i stay safe I guess it don't matter but why is it that we take risk's at a young age? I mean don't we ever remember that were human and were eventually gunna grow old.
 I've been thinking on if I'll ever get married or maybe someday settle down.
Sometime's I think too far ahead.

It's officially summer with the hot muggy weather now giving my family a new reason to wine(funny actually they complained it was too cold and wasn't warming up fast enough and BAM beautiful hot day and they complain it's too hot. Guess its hard to adjust from winter jackets to summer shorts in a one day timespan)
I've been spending a lot of time on the roof, just staring out into the ocean wondering if I ran where on earth I would go, how far i would go, and if I could do it.
Can I do it? will I do it? well eventually, It seems so exciting get away stay away be free even for a day, until the real world hits down on you after awhile. I mean i'm 16, no steady job, no cash, no mode of transportation(excluding feet and bike) then it get's dark out and Slenderman is out there waiting and his little minions too, there all waiting.

The leaves are coming out, all of them are so beautiful this was her favorite time of the year, Jessica loved running around and looking at the leaves and the pussy willows.
I always had to remind her not to pick them because they were just about to give new life.
The dandelions are all blooming too the bright yellow flowers everyone call's weed's.
I picked a batch, there in my bedroom in a small vase.
I know there going to die soon, that makes mii sad.

Lately I've just wanted to sleep, thats all just sleep get up eat a little then go back to sleep.
It's very strange actually I never get like this, I ran at 6 this morning then came home and slept till 7:30 thats only 15 minutes for mii to get ready.

Not that I really gave a bloody hell, I just got on some clean clothing, did my makeup put on something so I wouldn't smell of sweat and got on the bus.
I won't talk to my friends there all too lovey dovey in with there boyfriends and girlfriends, I can't stand to think of having a relationship right now, last thing I need it to get someone else tangled in this mess.

And if they didn't get tangled I would need someone who A] would mind me and my emotional issues and B] wouldn't mind running away with mii.

It's really kind of a burden, that why I choose not to work with anyone.
Fear I'll just become a burden.

I had a dream last night, I saw Jessica she reached out her hand and when I took it she gave me a hug and said 'It's ok, I'm not in pain anymore, just go, keep going and don't stop, this will be the last time you see me but don't give up, you are what will keep my memory alive..because you are the only one who remembers me'

She smiled even though she was crying.
'I'll still watch you, like I promised just not under the stars'.

I woke up I felt calm and at peace.
but I know.
Slenderman, you will pay for taking my Jessica away from mii.
Hear that?
I hope so because when I get a hold of you you'll wish that you didn't lay one finger on her.
as for your little proxies and followers, I'll get rid of you too, one by one.
With hope

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Dream of Darkness

Jessica...and I were playing in our favorite spot in the woods I was 13 she was 6 we were chasing butterflies and birds.
it felt too real, like if you watch a movie and awe at the perfect setup that can only be created by acting.
Her yellow sun dress flowing behind her as she ran around screaming 'Melissa! Butterfly!" and she could be as loud as she wanted, no one else was here this was our piece of land hidden deep in the woods.
She jumped on my back and held onto her as we ran around chasing the monarch butterflies with her net.
I remember that birthday I had received a video camera, I filmed her as she picked the wild blueberries and ate them.

We set up a small blanket and held a tea party for her doll's.
We use to spend all our time there, it was so quiet and we felt free.

That horrifying sound of ringing filled my ears for some reason the ringing only got louder, Jessica was fine she didn't notice anything she was smiling and laughing.
Soon I couldn't stand to hear her talk, when she opened her mouth her voice was distorted.
It was as if someone was telling me 'Get out of here' as if I had trespassed.
A man stood in the distance.

'I want to play games with Jessica, TAke JeSsiCA away from you, Do you Remember me? I'm Your nightmare..I'll Kill you, I'Ll KiLL YOU, I'LL KILL YOU! YOUR WORTHLESS, YOU CANT PROTECT JESSICA, I'LL TAKE THE ONLY THINK YOU CARE ABOUT AND I'LL TEAR IT APART, I'll break her little bones and snap her mind, I'll shatter her and she will cry for you to save her, but you are sleeping peacefully not a fact in mind that your favorite human is being killed...I will rip her still beating heart and turn her inside OuT, Are you ready to play a game..for your life?"

It was dead silent, even for a moment and then I saw her.
In my favorite part of the wood's where we use to chase butterflies, my baby cousin, impaled on a tree her body torn apart, her tiny body ripped limb from limb blood soaked clothing no longer breathing.

I covered my face with my hand's, they were warm and sticky, they were covered in her blood.

I couldn't speak, lost for words I do remember wrapping my blood soaked hands around my neck.
"Giving up? No can't die yet my little one, when it's my turn to kill you, Somehow you'll know you Will dream of darkness once more"
The man touched me, he held my hands away from my neck.

I woke up, crying I was in so much pain at this moment, I knew Jessica had died, I could feel it.
Like how a mother know's her child has died, but in this case only I could remember Jessica.
In this case I was like her mother, everything hit me all at once and I became very ill.

This is my fault...
God please forgive me.

Impossible..not a word in my dictionary.

Nor is it in the bible
Ive asked over and over again
 why I think the way I think
Or why I do the things I do.

If you believe in God or not is your choice.
I'm starting to read the bible again.
Hoping in some way to get strength
Maybe give me some sort of new found hope and light something this world of darkness need's.
I feel I've been praying empty handed lately, The truth is I want God in my life and he does not want much from us except love for him.
Maybe this is a turn off for you, I don't know if you care or not, but this could just be a rambling through of a 16-year-old who can hardly sleep.
''All things are possible" -Luke 18:27

Could it be that if I am loaded down or hurt or confused or sad or overburdened or angry that God can help me?
Can I believe this truly?
After Jessica..After slenderman...after proxies and hollowed after watching fear itself invade my dreams and tear me apart?

Could I believe in a new hope and light?
Only one way to tell.
I don't know if you believe in God or a God for that matter, I don't know if you want scriptures in the recent post there for I won't do it, wont place scriptures in my updates.

I guess God is my own personal choice, therefore I won't force this upon you.

Saturday, 4 June 2011


No pictures remain of my little cousin.
I've looked through old family photographs and video's.
Large chunks of all my homemade videos are missing or distorted.

Why is whoever took her so deemed on destroying her existence?
I remember when I asked her what she wanted to be and how she told me that she wanted to become a motivational speaker.

'Well why that of all things Jess?'
'That way I can make people learn to love life! I want to make people happy'

She always though of others before herself.

'Melissa you'll come to all my talks right? When I grow up you'll be there cheering me on right?'
'Of course, I'll be there every talk even if I have to walk there and when I get old I'll be here for you forever I promise'

'You'll always be here to protect me?'
'Yes I promise just call me when you need me'
'What if I hold a talk on the moon?'
'I'll grow wings and fly there!'
She laughed
'Big Cousin you can't fly! Thats just silly'
'Yeah I guess I can't but I'll eat your ice cream before aunty find's out I gave you sweet's before lunch'

I wasn't there..I wasn't there to protect her...I lied.
Now she's gone.
I'm scared of loosing her from my own memory, If I do this blog, these post are the only thing that will keep her alive.


Innocence is beautiful
Like the first blooming flower
everyone calls it a weed
And yet eagerly you pick a small bouquet
And hand them to me
To you these yellow flowers
Are the most beautiful creation
You had yet to learn
That they were ugly to most eyes
Even then I could see you asking me why
Why could they not see it like you see it
Why they destroyed it and never gave it a chance.
You told me you wanted a small field filled with them.
So when they turned white you could blow there seed's and watch them be free.
So you could let them be given a chance, even if it was only a small one.
And I smiled as we sat on the swings and you told me your life plans.
How you would grow up, who you would marry, your little house in the field of dandelions.
You mentioned how the sun would set the field into a golden sea and your children's names.
You mentioned how you wanted me in your life and took my hand and made me pinky swear that I would stand by you and protect you.
And I did so happily.
Then when the stars came out you asked me about angels and if they were watching over us.
You asked so many questions, you wanted to know so much.
Half the time I couldn't answer you.
You then fell silent.
And you told me.
That no matter how far we are, you would be watching over me too
I asked tearfully how
And you smiled and told me you could because we were under the same sky and the same stars.
And how we would never be alone as long as we were together.


Update on Jessica?


Thats what they told us this morning 3 am, they have an 'idea' on where she is.
I begged to help find her, because its Saturday I could do an all day search.

They said no.
I slept but no dream.
But I'm still so tired, then when I woke up called the police to ask about Jessica.

'Who's Jessica?' My heart stopped. 'Jessica the nine year old who's missing, golden brown hair, went missing yesterday.'

'Let me look at my missing people's files quickly' the lady responded I heard her scrounging around for a book, although it seemed odd not a lot of people go missing around here.

'Jessica, last name? Please'
I told her, I'm sorry but for the sake of Jessica's family I cannot tell you her last name please understand.
'I'm sorry dear there is no one by that name missing'

She was joking right.
she was fucking joking right?
'Well please look one more time, please?'
i heard her sigh heavily and she looked through again.

"I'm sorry dear, there is no one named Jessica missing"

I hung up.

What the Hell is going on!
Just this morning they had a lead, now no one know's that she's even missing.

My mom was happy when I went downstairs, Jessica's mom, my aunt also called and she seemed perfectly fine she actually asked me for some egg's she was going to bake something and had run out.

....Where are you Jessica?
Please tell me, I'm begging you.
Please for the love of God.
Tell me, scream to me that i'm not the only one who rememberer's you.

does Jessica exist anymore?

Did..slenderman... could he have..erased her from existence?
No because I remember her, I remember her beautiful smile and long brown hair, the way she laughed and walked and how she wanted to be a motivational speaker when she grew up.
I Remember Jessica.
I will find her.