Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Baby Doll.

Daddy you would call me that right?
Baby doll....you would call me your baby girl as you smoothed out my hair and walked with me.
I think you would, because I’m innocent like a small doll, innocent, innocent hahahahha.

Innocents only last a short time, shorter than the summer that people experience, shorter than the brisk feeling and sting of a heartbreak or being alone. Hell shorter than life itself, but for me innocence decided to be short, just almost none existent, because for me well I am not

What does normal entitle, the ability to work 7 hours shifts in a small cube live a life with a family of a wife or husband with two kids a fish and a dog, maybe a cat.....

No I'm the blood chilling kind of not normal, waking up to a set of flashbacks of my past, of the people that died by my hands 'mercy' killing so help me god if i hear the title again I will snap someone’s neck so quickly they won’t know they died.
Does anyone really know that they died?

I was a baby doll, cute and innocent, now I’m going crazy.
Maybe I was always crazy....I just didn’t know. Anyways for you who DONT know me, I'll make sure you do:

My name is Lullaby, well my 'name' is Lullaby, as for what I would like to be called Doll Maker...what I would 'like' to be called, not that you'll call me that and chances are I'll go around calling myself Lullaby. Pathetic. DM, Kind of like my mother DeMii, what a confusion my mulitipersonalities caused, I'm good, I'm evil, I don't know what happened, I am the cause of what happened.

I can't stop remembering and its driving me insane, I thought I could handle it at first, i mean at first it was urges, like how a druggie is always ready to shoot up to get his fix. He's fine once he gets his fix then he needs it again and again...did I just say he? I meant them...or they...they sounds better.

Mice, those pesky rodent’s that wander around the ground, picking up small crumbs of food and eating it, I collect them, I never had much else to do and mother slept a lot. I would pick them up by their tails, they didn’t seem to fight much after a while, and they kind of just looked at me confused and scared. I would collect many of them, White was my prize, only because the colour collects blood so well, the white fur is usually stained crimson within a few seconds, I created red mice :).

Anyways the other colours usually there fur just because sticky with the smell of death, it was kind of sad; i only wish they could look as beautiful as the white mice did. The brown ones collected the colour faintly, lighter brown collected it a little better but black mice angered me, I usually treated them very unfairly because they didn’t show the blood so well.


I'm a bad person.
I ignored the mice soon because they didn’t amuse me for much longer, next to that twisting their minds was hard, they never listened no matter how hard I tried to break there will, because by the time i broke the will they were dead, thank god most humans are not like that or else I would have a lot of trouble.

I moved onto bigger creatures, birds, they were not as easy to catch but it was worthwhile, I remember breaking one perfectly, it was a beautiful blue bird, I held it in my hands slowly spreading its wings to examine its body fully, i forgot how delicate they were because i snapped its left wing by accident, it never made a sound or struggle it kind of just laid there breathing softly.

I took out a knife I had found, i placed the tip of it at the birds feathered neck slowly cutting, then I cut my own thumb letting my blood flow into its veins I smiled as it looked at me with darker black eyes, almost as if it wanted to stay by me for the rest of its short life, I became excited.

I created a 'doll'.
Yeah that’s how you do it, it break into there will slightly once inside their mind your just bleed into them and they will obey you, sadly you’re not me and therefore you don’t have this ability, so don’t go trying because you will end up with some dead guy.....

I said guy again, some dead person on your hands.
He he.

I showed my mom the bird, she didn't see it, maybe because it was a bird, but i decided not to bring up the fact it was MY bird, it belonged to ME.
She just told me to clean up.

I did.

I moved on more and more, a few more birds none of who felt the same as that small blue bird, I tried two cats, both seemed to work beautifully they stayed with me until I got bored...then I killed them, I had a dog to, but I had to kill him quicker in case Shady or Mother found out.

Blood, if you think it kind of smells like intoxicating, beautiful, inviting, god I became in love with it, next to its smell it felt so warm, like melted chocolate, caressing your fingers and warming your cool flesh, its sticky and beautiful crimson in colour.


I needed something more, something bigger than a dog, something more than an animal, something human, human....
And I would.

Baby doll I am, innocent and sweet dressed in all white, and my mother dressed me in a bright white jacket and small white shoes that fit snug around my feet. White like the mice, like the fur of the cat, like the teeth of the dog, I wonder if this dress would stain as nicely.

The fabric threatened to restrict my movement severely but i just smiled, not today it wouldn’t. "Lullaby..." Dollmaker I corrected without saying a word to upset her I looked up, my bangs slightly restricting my vision I cocked my head in a questioning matter.

"..We’re going for a walk, before the sunsets..." before the sunsets? What wrong mother? Are you scared of the dark? Scared of the slender man? he he...still, no one would follow us so did that mean no one would question anything that happened?

We walked a ways; I wasn't sure why we would walk so far, maybe an opening in the woods was close by that my mother knew. I noticed every landmark so I wouldn't get lost on my way back, I could feel myself becoming jittery and anxious, and the same way you would if you were excited.

I was excited.

The world seemed very still, in that moment it was still, the trees never swayed, wind never moaned, birds never flapped there wings, nothing was alive it all seemed dead.

I pulled at a thick branch, it bent forward, threating to crack under pressure and I succeeded a small snap the wood broke off and now rested in my hand. It was more heavy then what I originality thought it would be, it kind of balanced in my palm looking like a spear I wondered how well this would work.

Work for what you might ask? What I'm about to tell you is the true death of DeMii.
It goes like this:
I ran up and with my free hand I clenched onto hers, my body twisted so that I was quickly in front of her as she took a step forward I jerked my hand forward as well, the branch quickly broke through the thin cloth of the tank-top and through the layers of skin and flesh. I twisted it progressively letting it dig deeper and deeper.

I looked at her face, I wanted to know was I doing a good job, animals hardly so expressions of pain, I mean they do but they are very subtle that it was hard for me to notice but this.

Oh god this was so beautiful, her eyes shut tightly as she clenched her teeth sharply inhaling she let out a quick cry of pain, her hands gripping onto the wood she tried pushing back.

Fuck baby girl why are you so cold? Not even pain can tell you to stop...

I pushed it again, putting all of my body weight onto the branch, it ripped through something, possibly a vital organ, oh joy, it peeked through the other side of her body, and I had made a complete impalement goody me.

I was pushed back, my mother grabbed onto my shoulders shoving me back with great force, so great it tore the wood from her body and sent me to the ground, she stumbled back too and the branch flew across a small spot of land. 

Far away from me.

"L-lull-aby....." she spat out the words, I was shocked, and she was still living? Maybe humans had a better chance of survival, then again I remember she had been impaled before, I clenched my fist gathering the dirt in my hands I stared at her, the sun setting behind me I smiled sickly.

I was able to raise to my feet quickly, gathering her hair in my hands I pulled up and swiftly moved my foot so it collided with her jaw, it sent her tumbling back slightly and I grinned again, reviling the knife I had hidden in my sleeve it glittered in the low light and rose a fear in DeMii's eyes.

"Don't be so scared mommy...” I said bending to my knees I took her chin in my hand and placed the blade to the corner of her lip.

"This won’t hurt a bit"

I slit up upwards, cutting a neat line through her skin, after that it was all blind cuts, I just raised the knife and brought it down, raised it up and sliced it down, side to side in a zig zag, the sound of tearing flesh and the smell of blood caused me to cut more and deeper until she clawed at my arm, screaming and crying.

I tore myself away, looking at her brilliantly, and my creation, mine? She covered her face and sobbed.
"Now mommy, don't hide yourself from me"
I kicked her side softly, causing her to roll over without protest, it was great, I sat on her stomach, the blood was drying but still wet and I grabbed her wrist, holding them over her head what I saw could not be called a person.

Blood soken face, hardly able to tell where skin and under layers of flesh met, her left eye had been slit open in one of my blind swings, hard to describe what it looked like, pulsing, blood, gel, liquid. Her lips in a permit smile, her other eye shut tightly.


I could feel her trying to grab me, her hands still in mine as I stared at her destroyed body, I realized in this state she would not be worthy to be called one of my dolls, in fact no matter what she was ruined.

Might as well end her.

I stood dragging her up a little, she winced at the pain and with that I stepped on her throat, she coughed lightly, was it normal human reaction to want to live even in this sort of situation? I felt sorry for her, honestly, even like this she would die slowly and painfully and I was trying to help her.

I pushed my foot down harder, feeling below me her throat crushing, bending and....

...and breaking.
She seemed to fall limp, giving up, stopping all action, all movement ceased.

And the sun, it was lowering over the land, shining dimly on her body, on my stained hands and over my small blood soaked legs.
"Baby girl, mommy loves you"
I kicked her body out of boredom, it kind of just fell back, and then I sat beside her, petting her hair down across her face.

A swampy pond was somewhere close to here, I decided to drag her there, it wasn’t much fun, but we, 'we', found it. I washed the blood from my body and looked at DeMii.
I wanted to break her legs, just to make sure she wouldn’t walk out, I twisted the limb pushing it down with the weight of my body I heard a crack and smiled seeing the leg fall back unnaturally twisted and shattered.

The other proved to be a problem, I hardly had the strength to lift it, so i leaned back onto it, sitting on the body part I heard it crack, and I felt it break.
I felt it break, the bone sliced through not only DeMii's skin but my own as well, it cut through my flesh slightly and I pulled myself away instantly.

I fell to the ground, rolling in pain, the sun was low but I didn’t know the time at that moment all I knew was pain, the blood trickled down my leg, it was warm.
Why do people wine and complain about bleeding, it was nice, warm and soft.

I looked at the sky, a few stray birds passed by, as well as clouds.
It was nice, me laying on the ground, my dead mother beside me...


I started pushing her body into the water; it almost swallowed her, seeming to drag her down until even her hand was under the mucky water.

I started limping back, it was a slow walk, I didn’t care about the nature around me anymore, no one was around me anymore, and it was just I.

I had just killed someone...
Someone who was supposed to be important to me, someone who loved me.
No one can 'love' honestly, fuck no one knows....

No one...

The haven, 'haven' dubbed by whom, some stupid place I was supposed to love, I almost wanted to burn it, I wasn’t that far from it...
I was exhausted.
I fell to the ground, eyes half closed i could feel myself wanting to let go, I was tired, maybe if I call someone.

'Someone... .’ I called out weakly I pushed myself to try again when no one responded.
A deep breath.
'SOMEONE!" I screamed tears stinging my eyes as i exerted myself and passed out.

I woke up with Shady looking at me concerned.
"My mother..." I whimpered
I acted, I acted well, and I pretended to be scared.

"DeMii, they came from nowhere, and I watched them they hurt her and dragged her away from me, then they cut me and I ran, I was so scared, Shady I don’t know where they took her...."

I winced as some pressure was applied to my leg, Shady gave a few orders, from what I got was 'wood's' 'now' 'search' 'body'

and everyone left me, I asked to be alone, I begged Shady to leave me and go with them I said i would be ok...she was reluctant but i told her my mother needed her more than i did, I was safe now in this.....this...

"Haven...” I said it, I choked the words out, and I smiled weakly as she left.

I got out of the bed and rooted through my mother’s bag deciding to only take what I could fit in my pockets.
Money, cellphone, charger, flash light, and of course Desha.

I knew that letter, the one that poked out from her bag I took it out and smoothed it out:

'Dear Shady,

  Don't be alarmed but once you receive this letter I will be dead.
I'm writing it so you'll know that even in death, I love you.
I don’t think I will last much longer anyways, I can feel something coming
Something neither of us can stop, but we both have to accept it fully, Shady
I leave my belongings, although very little, all of them i leave to you. And Shady
I leave my most precious belonging of all to you, Lullaby. Take care of her my
Beautiful Shady.....
I love you.


I placed the letter on the table where she would surly see it, along with a small note from me:

It's Lullaby
Check my mother’s blog, there you will find everything......
Here is my phone number...I put it on a scrap piece of paper under the letter
Take care
Stay safe

And remember.....
....just keep remembering...


I think I should go on an adventure.....
Wonder who i could find who wants the same...

Goodbye Shady...

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Happy ending after all?

It’s a new day, the kind where you want to live it as if it’s your last, where you want to run through the beautiful sparkling water in bare feet no matter how icey cold it might be, you want to race with the people you know so well through the deep forest avoiding the tall looming trees, the kind where you want to eat something you have never tasted before and visit somewhere you have never seen before.

And this is what I wanted to do with lullaby.

She awoke me super early, her golden like eyes and long raven black hair were shining with the sunlight that made the sky seem crystal like, a smile pasted her face as she grinned she spoke.

“Mommy! Mommy! Guess what aunty Shady promised me?” I already knew, Shady and myself had spoke about it when Lullaby was fast asleep, We decided to take my baby girl out into the city to explore goodness knows if she will ever get the chance again.

Even so I smiled myself, only imagining how foolish I must have looked: Messy brown hair, sleep deprived eyes, an old blue tank top that still had traces of the blood of my past on it and a smile the only true thing of the morning.

“What did aunty Shady promise?” I asked in my sweet motherly tone, patting her black hair down, Lullaby only squirmed excitedly as she blurted out everthing at a speed that seemed almost impossible…I guess the excitement really got to her.

“Aunty Shady promised to take us to a park! So I can play and swing and then we can get lunch, then we can go to a toy store and then we get ice cream!!” She almost had to catch her breath, her tiny chest panting under her dress.

I nodded, “That sounds great baby, let mommy get up and dressed and we can go” Lullaby nodded and ran out the room and down the hall a second later I saw her run across the door way again and down the other hall calling out Shadys name, her adorable voice calling out over and over.

“Auntyy! Auntyy!”

I smiled to myself as I opened my small bag, a tee shirt that was too big and jeans that had torn several times as I had liked to travel throughout the woods, it wasn’t exactly appropriate but then again it was better than going in my clothing that I was wearing now.

As I exited my room I looked down the hall lullaby had run down and sure enough there was my daughter, attached to Shady’s legs I could not help but let out a snicker, I could tell by the small glint in Lullaby’s eyes that she adored her aunt, my god she loved her so dearly and I could tell that Shady truly found happiness in

That why I wrote a letter when Lullaby was born, If I should ever die I leave Lullaby in your care Shady. I love you.

“Ok you two” I said happily Lullaby had turned around so she was facing me now and she smiled, “Time to go?” she asked eagerly and I nodded.

The walk to the playground was cold still it didn’t seem like it was the bone chilling kind of cold to myself more like the fresh kind of cold, but the cool air was behind us only when you breath in you could notice it.

Lullaby was between Shady and me holding onto both our hands we occasionally lifted her up and she laughed brilliantly.

At the playground lullaby seemed memorized by the amount of different colours, the red and yellow and blue seemed to draw her in, luckily we were also alone I guess all the children her age would be in school or at home but lullaby didn’t attend school due to our unique situation. She looked up at both of us almost asking through her eyes if she could play, if she could run around the structures and swing on the swing set I smiled back at her and looked at Shady I think we both had the same idea.

“Stay safe” shady said as she let go of Lullaby’s had recently I did as well and the little munchkin ran towards the swings, her black hair flying behind her. Stay safe, like Shady always says, it has stuck with me. “Come on my lovely Shady..” I said looking at her with a smile “..I think we have a bit of catching up to do” The look in her eyes seemed to say that ‘a bit of catching up’ was an understatement.

We sat on one of the nearby benches, watching Lullaby for a bit the only sound was that of the soft wind finding its way through and round the objects that surrounded us and the unique and distinct sound of the swing set squeaking.

“DeMii” Shady said, her voice seemed a bit upset and that caused me to focus more of my attention on her, as I turned my head I noticed a worried expression on her face.

“Yes?” I asked more concerned rather than curious towards why she seemed a bit or maybe more upset.

"I never mentioned the genders of my siblings. I had a sister, though. We fought as much as we joked, which was quite a bit. She was independent and strong, we were protective of each other.  I looked forward to the day she would have a brat. Course that’s never going to happen, she’s not alive, not even real anymore. So I’ll never know if I would have been a good aunt, or if I was even a good sister. Am I doing an ok job? Am I a band aunt?”   her question shocked me, how was I to respond with the truth might be a good way to start.

“No!” I responded to her, firmly and truthfully, how could shady worry on being a bad aunt?

“It’s just..” she stopped to take a breath of the cool air, this must have been hard for her she hasn’t been around but I know that’s not her fault and I could never blame her for that. “..Everything I had was fake, I can’t judge and say what I did was correct. I don’t know what I need to do and well I’m worried I might fuck it up..” Now I get it, Shady truly does love Lullaby and she only wants the best for her I mean who wouldn’t want the best for someone that they care about?

“Shady..” I said now taking the time to take my own breath and think of my own words, could I figure out a way to say this? “..I have the same concerns, I mean maybe not the exact same but you know something around the area, hell I’m only seventeen and I’m a mother! I keep worrying to myself well trying not to show it like when Lullaby was first born I was terrified of holding her, what if I held her wrong? What if I couldn’t pick her up right? What if she got sick? Then when doctor went missing I realized I was alone at this I was scared and I kept wondering could I be both Lullaby’s mother and father? Then Thuggee..” I had never let my eyes leave Shadys and I realized the moment I said that name, Thuggee, she tensed up her fingers curled lightly and she clenched her jaw, I decided to keep talking.

“I was scared, I’m still scared, but I know there’s no guide book on being a parent or in your case an aunt, but you have to go with what feels right” I reached over and patted her chest softly, right over her heart and looked at her with a smile. ”With what feels right here is what you go with, you love Lullaby and because of that you can’t Fuck it up, its impossible kay?”

“Honestly?” she asked and I nodded still smiling “You’re an amazing auntie!” we both let out a laugh as we came to realize we were kind of stressing over nothing.

“Thuggee” she said curling my own fingers I let out a deep breath. “Thuggee, I can’t believe that bastard, I…” I couldn’t speak, I had lost everything that was on my mind, it had all been replaced by his name and the things he might do, what if he took Lullaby? I couldn’t let him….I would kill him I swear to god I would murder him.

I snapped out of it and looked at Shady, she was watching me, could she see the concern on my face? Shit.

“Don’t worry DeMii” she said with a reassuring smile she placed a hand on my shoulder she opened her mouth to speak again. “I will NOT allow him to even come close to Lullaby, or you. If you don’t want him around I’ll keep him away with all my power. We’re family, hon. I’ll keep both of you safe.” I smiled I knew Shady would give anything to keep us safe, I only hope I can do the same if the time should come.

We looked over to Lullaby who was still swinging happily she was strong enough to manage to push herself forward on the swing, she seemed to love it, she would swing on the swing at the Haven but she was not strong enough to push it.

“I have missed you Shady…so much” I said, my eyes still watching Lullaby, “It hasn’t been the same lately, everything is so quiet”

Shady nodded, she could feel it too I could tell it was an empty space that could not be filled. It was like a black void that lingered, unmoving and only growing with loneliness, after everything…everyone left, Lucas and Joel, Mystery, Trinity…it felt so empty and even in the Haven I only smiled for Lullaby.

“I have missed you as well…not being around Lullaby and you has had its effect on me…I wish I didn’t have to leave so often, how much help I could have given you both..”  I scooted so close to Shady and looked at her with tears stinging in my eyes, I loved her so much, she was some of the only family I had left, she was like a sister and a best friend and without her I couldn’t have gotten even close to as far as I have gotten.

I hugged her spontaneously, I refused to let go as I buried my face in her shirt, tears trailing down my face but I didn’t make a sound, It smelled like Shady, like home the home I had grown to love to believe in, God dammit this was the place I felt I belonged, the place and people who had taken me in the ones I loved. I let my fingers curl around the fabric and I clenched my teeth, I decided now to choke out the words. “Shady thank you, my god I love you so much, my friend”

Her hands wrapped around me, I wanted this to last forever, I didn’t want her to let go, her warmth, her honest caring, she’s given me as much as she could and even more.

“DeMii, there’s nothing to thank me for I have been more than happy to do everything with you, we as a family have made everyone happy, we have had our differences and good times, and through everything we are still a family. You and Lullaby make me happy, and I mean legit happiness. I love both of you more than I can even comprehend.”

I Pulled back slowly and wiped my eyes, if there had been a possibly Shady had been crying I almost wanted it to be true but we both smiled.

Lullaby had walked up next to us and I noticed almost an hour had passed, Shady took us to a nice family restraint, She helped Lullaby pick out what she wanted, Lullaby questioned a lot of things.

“Aunty Shady, what does a chicken strip taste like? No no what does it look like? And what’s a Burger made out of? And what’s in a Salad? Why would they grill only cheese? Who would eat that?” Shady laughed and tried to explain everything the best she could Lullaby looked almost amazed with everything Shady knew.

“Ok I want to try this grilled cheese it seems interesting and milk too” she said closing her menu, I had decided on a Burger and small fries with water and Shady chose a simple meal as well.

Lullaby was colouring, the cup of crayons had made her happy, she told us how it reminded her of the playground.

Myself and shady were still talking, this time about Lullaby’s rapid growth, how rapid it was.

“Its unusual, both my pregnancy and her growth rate have been really quick” I said

Our meals arrived and Lullaby looked at the Grilled cheese with a glitter in her eyes. “Aunty shady its on bread just like you said! Your so smart!”

We walked around town a bit, Shady was giving both myself and Lullaby a tour, she showed us some of her favorite spots and some of the hot spots in town, she showed us famous areas because all places have them and as we started our walk home she showed us a toy store, Lullaby asked if we could enter.

I checked my phone, it was starting to get late, I looked over to Shady and she nodded. “Sure baby girl” Lullaby ran in and right away was looking at everything colourful, the toys were lined up neatly and a few children that were now off of school were looking at them with their mother or father.

“Mommy…” Lullaby walked up to me, she was holding a small stuffed toy, it seemed to be that of a bunny a small sand coloured bunny, its ears much larger than its head and they flopped over the side, it  was filled with those small plastic type beads and was covered in a soft fabric, it was very cute and I knew lullaby didn’t have any toys at home, when she was bored she wouldn’t complain, she would wander off actually not very far but she would skip pebbles or draw in the dirt.

“..Can I have this?” She held the rabbit and looked at Shady and myself, I bent down to check the price it seemed a bit out there for a stuffed toy to cost so much $23.99, I showed shady the numbers and she smiled and motioned for me to get up.

“Hey, hey, hey. Dibs. My treat for the kiddo.” she said with a grin, and I nodded and when lullaby saw my nod she smiled.

“Really?! I can have it?” she asked excitedly leaning in she hugged one of our legs each and I laughed, after a quick glance around the toystore we paid the man and left, lullaby still walked between us but this time holding her rabbit.

“What are you going to name him Lullaby?” I asked curious, “It’s a she, and I’m going to name her Desha”
Desha? I looked over at Shady, who was looking at me just as confused.

“Why Desha dove?” Shady asked and Lullaby looked up and stopped looking at both of us.

 “Mommy and Aunty, your two of the smartest people I know and you can’t figure it out?” she asked us.

“DeMii is mommy’s name ‘De’, Shady is auntys name ‘sha’ you two are the most important people in my life” she smiled “Desha is named after you two…”

Lullaby did I do a good job at raising you? Honestly it is as if you can’t remember your past, your innocence to the horrors of this world is outstanding, I only wish it would stay this way.

We stopped for single scoop ice cream before heading home, our home, our haven, I’m holding Lullaby in my arms, and she is fast asleep holding her doll Desha.

And with ice cream on dried on her lips she smiled in her sleep. I set her to bed and came out to see Shady, It was a great day, I’m glad it all worked out, resting my head on the table I knew the future would be hard maybe I could make it through it, with Shady, maybe we could both make it through.