Happiness.

Ah I really enjoyed yesterday, I did Lucas-kun's makeup He looked so adorable, I asked him first of course! He said sure and I rushed out to get my bag which of course was holding all my makeup.

When I entered my bedroom I saw Dollmaker sitting near the window looking at the sky, she hasn't spoken to me since that evening, kinda of un-nerving.

I returned quickly with all the makeup I owned and got to work on Lucas, he was really good with me, he sat still, raised his head, lowered his head, shut his eyes, I made sure to make him look nice. Trina popped in shortly after, when she saw me doing Lucas' makeup she asked if I could do hers, when I was done with Lucas I went straight to work on Trina's, moments later I heard someone walk by and then quickly try to back pedal.

Lucas got up ever so fast and asked if he looked pretty, I turned around, saw her, Mystery, and got an idea.
"Neh...Mystery~" I said as she tried to make an exit I grabbed onto her arm and dragged her in. I know she don't like makeup but I had too, I was unable to resist.

After everyone was done I smiled brightly, ah everyone looked so pretty, although I don't really think ill be doing this again maybe i should leave my makeup skills to myself.

AH if only Shady was there, then I could have had the family all done up! I'm so happy here right now, I love my new family, I wonder if its selfish of me to want this to last forever...even if I know it cant.

I really want it to....

The promise and the missing link.

A promise is a promise and Lucas promised me he would teach them to use the Katana. But heres the truth i didn't expect to be the one using the sword, "its up to you to be the one in control"

fuck.

Lucas told me to draw the blade from the saya. The only other time ive ever heard the term saya be used was from a game i played.... saya no uta, I loved that game. 18+, hehe.

Lucas grabbed a stick and showed me each move, at first i was scared as hell I knew i would screw up, or felt as if i would. I payed close attention, I was in fact holding the weapon that could bring Lucas to his early grave, although that was never my intention anything can happen in this world.

anything at all.

"Got it?" I nodded quickly, maybe one day I could answer yes to questions like this.

Lucas stood infront of me, not directly infront of me but where the oppenent should stand when sword fighting, I relised that he wouldnt be moving (something he explained to me) it really all was up to me to not kill him.

I brought the sword up, swinging it over my head and then back down, the weight brought it down a little faster then what I wished and Lucas didn't flinch he stood damn still, did he had faith in me that i could control this? I stoped it with my right hand holding the handle tightly, it was just above Lucas' head. "Men..."

My eyes never left his, I was told to make sure of this, and dammit if i was going to do this I was going to do this right the first time.

I did it again, my breath hitched as I tried to stop the blade at the wrists of Lucas. I bit my lip as I gripped the sword tightly once more stopping it inches before his wrist. "Kote."

Again, twisting the blade just like he showed me so it swung horizontal, stopping at his waist. "Do...."

The fourth motion was the hardest Lucas took one step back and then I lunged forward, aiming for his neck, I almost couldnt stop myself it was a scary thought the idea that I wanted to feel the blade softly cut through someones skin.

I couldnt hold the sword anymore, just before it reached his neck I dropped it, I wanted to kill?

"Tsuki." I whispered, falling to my knees. I gave him back his sword and saya and told him not to let me near that sword anymore but thanked him for teaching me some moves.

Then I ran back inside Dollmaker stayed out and watched Lucas for a bit, she was quiet.

Most my sheets were on the floor, I dont sleep at all anymore I use it get a bit of rest but now I just have given up compleatly I just lay on my sheets and stare at nothing, thinking. Dollmaker entered my room shortly after,  its still a bit strange seeing her walking around on her own.

'Lullaby...'

"what?"

'Your sister....its your fault she's dead...'


"My...sister? What the fuck are you saying, where do you have the right to come up with these statements your making!?"

'if you hadn't have left you could have protected her, her and your father, its your fault there dead, no one else knows, no one but you. No one saw the way your father die by your hands, by your creation....no one saw the way your sist-"

"by MY creation, MY hands? SHUT UP Hardly my creation!I left to protect them!"


"your slightly slow Lullaby, haven't you figured it out yet?"

"What?! What is it!"

Dollmaker grew very quiet and very, very upset, "You haven't got a clue have you? You idiot...".
She left my room just after that, i guess she was really ticked off because the second she left I grabbed the hardest object I could and threw it at the wall.

what link am I missing?
what clue have I forgotten?

Shady....

Shady is back...I am very happy, ever so very happy, the second I saw her I chould not resist but to run up and hug her tightly.  I promised myself I would not cry, I broke it, tears of happiness and relief, our lovely Shady was returned unharmed.

"I'm sorry, Shady I was so useless I promised I would be more useful..."Shady slowly pushed me away and looked into my eyes.

"Lullaby you are not useless" she said bluntly, it made my heart stop...I was not useless? "You were very helpful, you crafted a doll for Trinity and you helped Mystery when she was injured Lullaby your not useless"

Shady squeezed my shoulder tightly.
"I'm not useless?" I asked somewhat shocked.

"No your not"
I smiled softly, I have a purpose. Shady you are a wonderful, great, beautiful person. Please don't ever change.

We are all together now, Shady, Mystery, Trinity, Lucas, Ecko, Drake, Sunshine and myself.
Its like a family. Like a big happy family. I am very happy right now. Please don't tell me that I am dreaming.

Lullaby your not dreaming...please stay this way...it is more pleasant for everyone if you stay this way... 

what happened yesterday

Thunder....kept...me...up....all...night. I never was relaxed around thunder, you know how a dog gets around loud noises. Well imagine a teenage girl hiding in a blanket jumping at the loud bangs.
then you have me.

Thankfully the games we played kept me somewhat distracted, that made me happy. Mystery found a guy to fix the lights and stuff I greeted him at the door holding dollmaker of course i told her not to move at all, I 'unno if she'll listen she seem's to like to do things on her own accord, stupid stubborn doll.

The man was hispanic, he had dusky like skin and dirty blonde hair and those black eyes stared at me, giving me shivvers, I still tried to be polite.

"hello..."

"Hello."

"Are you the electriction?"

"Yes I am"

"Ah ok then welcome, come in..."

I stepped aside my socks padded against the ground as he entered, he seemed like a very nice man. He seemed to know what to do as he walked past me, due to boredom I followed him around.

"Do you like your job?" I asked quietly, the man didnt respond was I too quiet? I was never good talking to males, make it fair I was never good talking to anyone, I gripped onto my sweater tightly and felt dollmaker make a small gasping noise.

'lullaby....not so hard'

"A-ah!" I said relesing my hands dollmaker fell to the ground and I instantly bent down to pick her up.

"Did you make her yourself?"

"E-eh? Pardon?" Pardon? Pardon? Ugh I sound like a old lady.

"Your doll"

"Ah yes, I took a bit of work but it is a past time I have"

"What is her name?"

"I dunno I have not officially named her really..I call her dollmaker..."

"What an intresting name"

"Unique is the correct word.." I muttered he went back to work, I watched him fiddle with the wires and cords...reminded me of how my father did that, in a way I got sad and couldn't stay.

"good bye"

I went to visit Lucas, he still wasn't awake...this made me sad I feel bad for yelling at him about dollmaker, he had a katana that's a Japanese sword I managed to sneak it under my hoodie and outside, hopefully he wont be too mad at me I just have to play with it.

Once outside I ripped out the sword and saw the light glint off it, a true beautiful handcrafted sword. gripping onto it with both hands I got into a stance that felt correct and ripped through the air with it. I have been doing a lot of physical training lately, it gets my mind off things and I couldnt help but adore the way the sword sliced though the air.

then I saw mystery coming towards me, her lips were moving although I couldnt hear her but the expression screamed trouble. I pressed my hand around my ear, signaling i coulding quite hear her.

"What are you doing?"

"exactly what it look's like playing with a sword"

"Lullaby you should put the sword back before Lucas notices"

I sighed, I really didn't want to but I knew eventually I would have to.

"How did you get it out here without my noticing?"

I smiled and slid it back up under my sweater and winked.

"Wearing oversized cloating is quite helpful at times"

Mystery looked at me with a surprised and somewhat smiling face. that look made me happy. I put the sword back, very unhappily but its put back.

Trinitys doll is also compleated as well...Its a nice doll..I really like it I cant wait to give it to her, I hope she likes it too.

apparently I'm a nurse....

Trina's doll is turning out nicely, Dollmaker is upset that im spending more time on another doll then I am her, I can't help but laugh at her jelousy its somewhat amusing.

...Oh dear lord what have I just said? I'm amused at another creatures pain?

"Turning into a bigger me day by day" Dollmaker said, if i could have slapped her I would have.
I was preparing dinner, Mystery had wandered off earlier and I was getting hungry(I could only assume everyone else was as well).

"Shut up.." I muttered, not really in the mood to argue with my 'other-self'.

Not to mention Lucas experence with the dollmaker, he should know better I understand his boyfriend is gone and I understand he may be stressed but to tell me that I had forgotten the reason everyone hates Dollmaker is almost unforgivibal.

"ow..." I growled as I looked at my finger tip, now burnt I shook my hand violently as if trying to put out the fire that was under my skin. "Dammit" I muttered ripping a peice of cloth I wrapped it around my finger and tied it into a bow.

Just as I was about to pour the pancake batter into the frying pan the door opened wide and Mystery stumbled in her shoulder cut I looked at her wide eyed, the word shit rang over and over again in my mind.
I walked towards her helping her to sit down and so I could get a good look at the cut, I had done basic first-aid on myself multiple times (seeing as I fall down and cut my knees&ankles a lot).

"It's not too bad, if we can clean it up I can sew it and give you some painkillers..." although i said this as if I had done it a thousand times I had really only done it twice; once on myself and once on my father.

Father...

I gathered the supplies and ran back, Trinity was outside and Lucas was in his bedroom so I knew I could take my time without being interrupted...hopefully.

I started by cleaning up the blood, trying to be gentile. Next I disinfected it with a mixture of proxide and water the cut bubbled and made a noise and I could tell Mystery was holding back some colourful words. I disinfected the needle and got it prepared. "This may...no this is going to hurt..I'm sorry if i hurt you I really am..I'll be as gentile as I can". I did a good job sewing it, you know if I had not have found Slenderman and Dollmaker was still dormit in my body and if I had finnished school I may have tried to go to medicial school.

*sigh* all the if's in life make me depressed, still moving forward in life.

'hehehe, would have all fallen down eventually....." 

"Shut..the...fuck...up...you...goddamn....doll.." I growled angerly well handing mystery the painkillers.
'ohhhh lullabys angry...' 

Hardly, angery isn't the word. Angry is when you watch someone you love die infront of you, angry is killing someone with your bare hands in the most grusome way possible, angry is holding something against someone because you cant forgive them. I was just getting angry, I wasnt near angry yet, of course the pill dust that is on the floor right now could tell otherwise.

Mystery is laying down, I also made pancakes for dinner...I love pancakes...so light and fluffly, gunna go eat now hopefully everything goes ok.

DAMMIT!

"...and this time it will not be my fault" the damn words echoing, Dollmaker could it be..my fault?
It was fine, it was all OK everything was fine untill..until just then.. and I said I would protect them..I never.

All I could do was stare into the sky, would she be ok?..shit so.Fucking.Useless, but thats how we all must feel. DAMMIT.

I could feel warm tears stream down my cheeks, these tears could they be tears of anger? "Shady..I swear if its the last damn thing i do..the last damn thing I do...I will fucking find you and made this right"
could i be lying to myself again?

I cant tell am I pissed off that i was useless, am I sick of being like this, am I scared by knowing how vulnerable I am, what the fuck am I feeling?

I sat in my bedroom...I am....tired...I am...
scared.

I couldn't help it, I stood infront of Mystery for a full three minutes without a word...then I bolted forward gripping into her shirt tightly. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." I was begging for forgiveness for something I never did. something that *I* had no control over.
Mystery rubbed my back told me everything was ok, that I should rest, tomorrow is a new day, we still have so much to do.
I'm now in bed...unable to sleep...for I am an insomniac.

Shady....stay strong.

A New Friend. A New Start.

I was sitting on Trinity’s swing looking at the sky; Dollmaker has been dead quiet for the past few days she seemed to enjoy the swing a lot. Slowly I’ve been realizing that everyone I love dies violently; unnaturally. I'm cursed! Why go on? I'll just hurt others.

NO! That’s it I refuse to think this way anymore from now on I will do my best to help the people who so gratefully took me in, all I’ve been doing is sitting on the second story and wandering around the wood's well enough is enough I will protect them...

"Uh..." there were two hands that softly pushed me forward. “Hi!" a voice said happily, I tried turning around to see who it was but slipped off the rubber and landed onto the ground with a small thud.

"Oh no! I'm sorry! Are you hurt?! this is my fault" A bit dazed I looked at her, I was unable to hear her clearly I got 'sorry' and 'hurt' a few times and judging from the look on her face she seemed upset. Unable to hold back my laughter I burst out in giggles. 

"It’s ok love, its ok I'm perfectly fine just a little stunned" Trinity looked so relieved and held out her hand to help me up.

I wiped off my dress from the dirt and looked at Trinity she was a very beautiful child, I never noticed this for the first few times we met but looking at her now I noticed it but she stood there awkwardly, looking nervous as hell.

"Hello I'm Lullaby, although you may know that I think we should at least introduce properly"

"I'm Trinity...” she said looking at Dollmaker and back at me.

"I do not like...her...No I hate her. Hate, Hate, Hate..." Dollmaker kept uttering that word over and over, it became quite annoying. Trinity’s lips moved but I could only make out a few words, 'can' 'please' 'hold'

"Come again?" I must have sounded like an old woman, it’s not my fault I'm now deaf in one ear, but I must learn to deal with this.

"May I please hold her?" "Ah yes of course please just be careful" I said holding out my doll she took it softly.

"LULLABY GET THIS CHILD TO UN-HAND ME AT ONCE!!" I laughed as Trinity brushed through Dollmakers hair and played with her hood. "Can I push her on the swing?" "Ah yes of course!"

Trinity smiled and placed Dollmaker on the swing, the doll made no objection to move and just gripped onto the rubber with her cloth hands and trinity gently pushed the tire. The atmosphere was ever relaxing, an unusual warmth filled my body I believe Dollmaker was happy.

"Say Trinity do you like any games?" She looked at me thinking and nodded. "I have checkers inside, if I run in and get it will you play it with me?" "Of course I love checkers" she grinned and ran inside quickly.

It was quiet again the tire swing still rocking and I looked at Dollmaker who tried to push it forward more, her efforts failed and I softly pushed her again. "This won't last...any of this...and this time...it won’t be my fault" what the hell did she mean? I was going to ask her but trinity called me in so we could play, the board game was fit under her arm. "Go...enjoy your time lullaby...I'll stay here we won’t be that far so you won’t get sick"

"Lullaby!" Trinity called out and I smiled running towards her, we set up the game together and decided (though a game of rock paper scissors) that she would go first. She won 3/5 games (*Note to self re-learn how to play checkers*) in an odd way she reminded me of Jessica, yes odd but lovely and ever so relaxing I do enjoy my time so far that i have spent with trinity.

I really hope we can spend many more times like this I hope she wishes the same as well.