And this is what I wanted to do with lullaby.
She awoke me super early, her golden like eyes and long raven black hair were shining with the sunlight that made the sky seem crystal like, a smile pasted her face as she grinned she spoke.
“Mommy! Mommy! Guess what aunty Shady promised me?” I already knew, Shady and myself had spoke about it when Lullaby was fast asleep, We decided to take my baby girl out into the city to explore goodness knows if she will ever get the chance again.
Even so I smiled myself, only imagining how foolish I must have looked: Messy brown hair, sleep deprived eyes, an old blue tank top that still had traces of the blood of my past on it and a smile the only true thing of the morning.
“What did aunty Shady promise?” I asked in my sweet motherly tone, patting her black hair down, Lullaby only squirmed excitedly as she blurted out everthing at a speed that seemed almost impossible…I guess the excitement really got to her.
“Aunty Shady promised to take us to a park! So I can play and swing and then we can get lunch, then we can go to a toy store and then we get ice cream!!” She almost had to catch her breath, her tiny chest panting under her dress.
I nodded, “That sounds great baby, let mommy get up and dressed and we can go” Lullaby nodded and ran out the room and down the hall a second later I saw her run across the door way again and down the other hall calling out Shadys name, her adorable voice calling out over and over.
I smiled to myself as I opened my small bag, a tee shirt that was too big and jeans that had torn several times as I had liked to travel throughout the woods, it wasn’t exactly appropriate but then again it was better than going in my clothing that I was wearing now.
As I exited my room I looked down the hall lullaby had run down and sure enough there was my daughter, attached to Shady’s legs I could not help but let out a snicker, I could tell by the small glint in Lullaby’s eyes that she adored her aunt, my god she loved her so dearly and I could tell that Shady truly found happiness in
That why I wrote a letter when Lullaby was born, If I should ever die I leave Lullaby in your care Shady. I love you.
“Ok you two” I said happily Lullaby had turned around so she was facing me now and she smiled, “Time to go?” she asked eagerly and I nodded.
The walk to the playground was cold still it didn’t seem like it was the bone chilling kind of cold to myself more like the fresh kind of cold, but the cool air was behind us only when you breath in you could notice it.
Lullaby was between Shady and me holding onto both our hands we occasionally lifted her up and she laughed brilliantly.
At the playground lullaby seemed memorized by the amount of different colours, the red and yellow and blue seemed to draw her in, luckily we were also alone I guess all the children her age would be in school or at home but lullaby didn’t attend school due to our unique situation. She looked up at both of us almost asking through her eyes if she could play, if she could run around the structures and swing on the swing set I smiled back at her and looked at Shady I think we both had the same idea.
“Stay safe” shady said as she let go of Lullaby’s had recently I did as well and the little munchkin ran towards the swings, her black hair flying behind her. Stay safe, like Shady always says, it has stuck with me. “Come on my lovely Shady..” I said looking at her with a smile “..I think we have a bit of catching up to do” The look in her eyes seemed to say that ‘a bit of catching up’ was an understatement.
We sat on one of the nearby benches, watching Lullaby for a bit the only sound was that of the soft wind finding its way through and round the objects that surrounded us and the unique and distinct sound of the swing set squeaking.
“DeMii” Shady said, her voice seemed a bit upset and that caused me to focus more of my attention on her, as I turned my head I noticed a worried expression on her face.
“Yes?” I asked more concerned rather than curious towards why she seemed a bit or maybe more upset.
"I never mentioned the genders of my siblings. I had a sister, though. We fought as much as we joked, which was quite a bit. She was independent and strong, we were protective of each other. I looked forward to the day she would have a brat. Course that’s never going to happen, she’s not alive, not even real anymore. So I’ll never know if I would have been a good aunt, or if I was even a good sister. Am I doing an ok job? Am I a band aunt?” her question shocked me, how was I to respond with the truth might be a good way to start.
“No!” I responded to her, firmly and truthfully, how could shady worry on being a bad aunt?
“It’s just..” she stopped to take a breath of the cool air, this must have been hard for her she hasn’t been around but I know that’s not her fault and I could never blame her for that. “..Everything I had was fake, I can’t judge and say what I did was correct. I don’t know what I need to do and well I’m worried I might fuck it up..” Now I get it, Shady truly does love Lullaby and she only wants the best for her I mean who wouldn’t want the best for someone that they care about?
“Shady..” I said now taking the time to take my own breath and think of my own words, could I figure out a way to say this? “..I have the same concerns, I mean maybe not the exact same but you know something around the area, hell I’m only seventeen and I’m a mother! I keep worrying to myself well trying not to show it like when Lullaby was first born I was terrified of holding her, what if I held her wrong? What if I couldn’t pick her up right? What if she got sick? Then when doctor went missing I realized I was alone at this I was scared and I kept wondering could I be both Lullaby’s mother and father? Then Thuggee..” I had never let my eyes leave Shadys and I realized the moment I said that name, Thuggee, she tensed up her fingers curled lightly and she clenched her jaw, I decided to keep talking.
“I was scared, I’m still scared, but I know there’s no guide book on being a parent or in your case an aunt, but you have to go with what feels right” I reached over and patted her chest softly, right over her heart and looked at her with a smile. ”With what feels right here is what you go with, you love Lullaby and because of that you can’t Fuck it up, its impossible kay?”
“Honestly?” she asked and I nodded still smiling “You’re an amazing auntie!” we both let out a laugh as we came to realize we were kind of stressing over nothing.
“Thuggee” she said curling my own fingers I let out a deep breath. “Thuggee, I can’t believe that bastard, I…” I couldn’t speak, I had lost everything that was on my mind, it had all been replaced by his name and the things he might do, what if he took Lullaby? I couldn’t let him….I would kill him I swear to god I would murder him.
I snapped out of it and looked at Shady, she was watching me, could she see the concern on my face? Shit.
“Don’t worry DeMii” she said with a reassuring smile she placed a hand on my shoulder she opened her mouth to speak again. “I will NOT allow him to even come close to Lullaby, or you. If you don’t want him around I’ll keep him away with all my power. We’re family, hon. I’ll keep both of you safe.” I smiled I knew Shady would give anything to keep us safe, I only hope I can do the same if the time should come.
We looked over to Lullaby who was still swinging happily she was strong enough to manage to push herself forward on the swing, she seemed to love it, she would swing on the swing at the Haven but she was not strong enough to push it.
“I have missed you Shady…so much” I said, my eyes still watching Lullaby, “It hasn’t been the same lately, everything is so quiet”
Shady nodded, she could feel it too I could tell it was an empty space that could not be filled. It was like a black void that lingered, unmoving and only growing with loneliness, after everything…everyone left, Lucas and Joel, Mystery, Trinity…it felt so empty and even in the Haven I only smiled for Lullaby.
“I have missed you as well…not being around Lullaby and you has had its effect on me…I wish I didn’t have to leave so often, how much help I could have given you both..” I scooted so close to Shady and looked at her with tears stinging in my eyes, I loved her so much, she was some of the only family I had left, she was like a sister and a best friend and without her I couldn’t have gotten even close to as far as I have gotten.
I hugged her spontaneously, I refused to let go as I buried my face in her shirt, tears trailing down my face but I didn’t make a sound, It smelled like Shady, like home the home I had grown to love to believe in, God dammit this was the place I felt I belonged, the place and people who had taken me in the ones I loved. I let my fingers curl around the fabric and I clenched my teeth, I decided now to choke out the words. “Shady thank you, my god I love you so much, my friend”
Her hands wrapped around me, I wanted this to last forever, I didn’t want her to let go, her warmth, her honest caring, she’s given me as much as she could and even more.
“DeMii, there’s nothing to thank me for I have been more than happy to do everything with you, we as a family have made everyone happy, we have had our differences and good times, and through everything we are still a family. You and Lullaby make me happy, and I mean legit happiness. I love both of you more than I can even comprehend.”
I Pulled back slowly and wiped my eyes, if there had been a possibly Shady had been crying I almost wanted it to be true but we both smiled.
Lullaby had walked up next to us and I noticed almost an hour had passed, Shady took us to a nice family restraint, She helped Lullaby pick out what she wanted, Lullaby questioned a lot of things.
“Aunty Shady, what does a chicken strip taste like? No no what does it look like? And what’s a Burger made out of? And what’s in a Salad? Why would they grill only cheese? Who would eat that?” Shady laughed and tried to explain everything the best she could Lullaby looked almost amazed with everything Shady knew.
“Ok I want to try this grilled cheese it seems interesting and milk too” she said closing her menu, I had decided on a Burger and small fries with water and Shady chose a simple meal as well.
Lullaby was colouring, the cup of crayons had made her happy, she told us how it reminded her of the playground.
Myself and shady were still talking, this time about Lullaby’s rapid growth, how rapid it was.
“Its unusual, both my pregnancy and her growth rate have been really quick” I said
Our meals arrived and Lullaby looked at the Grilled cheese with a glitter in her eyes. “Aunty shady its on bread just like you said! Your so smart!”
We walked around town a bit, Shady was giving both myself and Lullaby a tour, she showed us some of her favorite spots and some of the hot spots in town, she showed us famous areas because all places have them and as we started our walk home she showed us a toy store, Lullaby asked if we could enter.
I checked my phone, it was starting to get late, I looked over to Shady and she nodded. “Sure baby girl” Lullaby ran in and right away was looking at everything colourful, the toys were lined up neatly and a few children that were now off of school were looking at them with their mother or father.
“Mommy…” Lullaby walked up to me, she was holding a small stuffed toy, it seemed to be that of a bunny a small sand coloured bunny, its ears much larger than its head and they flopped over the side, it was filled with those small plastic type beads and was covered in a soft fabric, it was very cute and I knew lullaby didn’t have any toys at home, when she was bored she wouldn’t complain, she would wander off actually not very far but she would skip pebbles or draw in the dirt.
“..Can I have this?” She held the rabbit and looked at Shady and myself, I bent down to check the price it seemed a bit out there for a stuffed toy to cost so much $23.99, I showed shady the numbers and she smiled and motioned for me to get up.
“Hey, hey, hey. Dibs. My treat for the kiddo.” she said with a grin, and I nodded and when lullaby saw my nod she smiled.
“Really?! I can have it?” she asked excitedly leaning in she hugged one of our legs each and I laughed, after a quick glance around the toystore we paid the man and left, lullaby still walked between us but this time holding her rabbit.
“What are you going to name him Lullaby?” I asked curious, “It’s a she, and I’m going to name her Desha”
Desha? I looked over at Shady, who was looking at me just as confused.
“Why Desha dove?” Shady asked and Lullaby looked up and stopped looking at both of us.
“Mommy and Aunty, your two of the smartest people I know and you can’t figure it out?” she asked us.
“DeMii is mommy’s name ‘De’, Shady is auntys name ‘sha’ you two are the most important people in my life” she smiled “Desha is named after you two…”
Lullaby did I do a good job at raising you? Honestly it is as if you can’t remember your past, your innocence to the horrors of this world is outstanding, I only wish it would stay this way.
We stopped for single scoop ice cream before heading home, our home, our haven, I’m holding Lullaby in my arms, and she is fast asleep holding her doll Desha.
And with ice cream on dried on her lips she smiled in her sleep. I set her to bed and came out to see Shady, It was a great day, I’m glad it all worked out, resting my head on the table I knew the future would be hard maybe I could make it through it, with Shady, maybe we could both make it through.