And then it *clicked*

Shady's back.
This makes me very happy.
Although I have little to post here this time, Dollmaker has been acting very strange lately she's constantly gripping onto my arms tightly.

She's also been muttering weird things lately:

I hate her, I really hate her...we will never be alone...because I have you, yet I have become nothing more than a doll. I am completely useless too you now. I should not exist in this world. Kill me.


I can't understand what's come over her, but it's causing a pain in my gut that is telling me its not good.

I also had a dream:
I was wandering around a city no Dollmaker just lifeless wind up human like dolls.
I was just walking around this colorless city for hours until I heard a soft voice.

'I won't leave a single man alive, I never wanted to leave you, I wanted to be with you! I'm here, I'll always be here.'
At that moment the 'dolls' came to life and the doll maker stood in the center of them holding out her hands, her human hands with her old sick twisted smile.
'This is the life you always dreamed of, all these dolls can be your friends I can control these dolls come with me deeper into this dream, you can stay here forever.’ 
her eyes now black as she looked deep into mine. 'Stay here, forever..."

"I don't want this dream!" I cried out, waking up the Dollmaker who just looked at me, she seemed confused.

'What is wrong Lullaby?' she asked me cocking her head.
Did she really not influence that dream?
She herself was asleep when I awoke, I felt a sharp pain in my chest and curled up clutching the fabric of my shirt.
The Dollmaker too clutched the fabric of her dress around her chest area and let out what presumed to be a small gasp for air or a low cry.

"M-my chest it hurts. Lullaby it hurts" she said.
She honestly sounded as if she was in pain.
"P-please, Lullaby make it stop...”

Unsure of what was happening I got scared quickly collecting the doll into my arms I hugged it tightly feeling the warm strands of tears roll down my cheeks.
And we both stopped feeling pain.

And that's when it clicked.
We can feel each others pain.

Safe with Mystery.

Mystery picked me up, she seems like such a lovely person I hope I can become close to her without anything happening. I really do, maybe I can become close to everyone that's in the group too I do feel horrible though for not talking it's just as of now I'm scared to maybe its because I don't really know them or perhaps because I never really become close to anyone anymore.

All these feelings mix together it's causing me to become somewhat ill to the point where I can't eat properly, 

although I'm hungry I don't want to ask for anything.

And I remember I was very quiet, I've never been one for holding up conversations, maybe that's why my mother told me I would never keep or make any friends.

Once we got to the house I remember climbing onto the second story to watch the stars, I didn't want to move or talk or anything just sit and watch the stars in silence.

The stars are amazing, they shine no matter what and they keep shining and when they die they create new stars and they don't judge they are beautiful.

What was I thinking anyways, running with the Dollmaker, if something happens I don't want to have to wake up with anyone dying in my hands how would I live with myself.

I'm happy to be off the streets though, that's somewhere I do NOT belong it's cold, you get hungry and the streets are hard to rest on. Anything could have happened to me, what a foolish mistake just bolting out of that truck I wonder where the driver was anyways.

I do remember one thing when passing by the newspaper stands trying to find out where I was and I feel stupid for not posting this sooner, a police man was being accused of murdering a fellow cop apparently it was a gruesome murder.

I think it was at the same office I was dragged into, do you think maybe I may have...NO I refuse to believe I did that!

The last part I read was that he pleaded not guilty, he said it felt as if he had no control over his body, like someone was using him.

I don't think that will hold up well in court, I don't know about the US but in Canada it always seems to be a short time in jail, five years I believe, then patrol for another year or so.

I couldn't sleep, not unusual for me but tonight I was just more restless, A new place far away from my family I looked at my wrist where the letters HoPE were scarred into my skin.

I kept holding my hand's up gazing at the stars through my fingers 'how far away I am from heaven' was all I thought at that moment.

Mystery is very kind, I thank her for what she's doing for me.I'm very happy to have met her, I hope I can enjoy it around here.

This place were in is also very nice, I enjoy it, although I want to start looking around for places tomorrow I can hide in and be alone, there must be a nice few around here.

I think I'll just rest for now.

-I_L

Vancouver to the States.

This is it.

I'm not sure if sitting in this airport, halfway in tears is the best way to leave my home country.

I'm not sure if holding onto myself tightly and curled up is the best way to say goodbye.

But right now it’s all I feel, I know I have to get out, I'm just reflecting thoughts.

Jessica I'm sorry your life ended so violently, I wish I could have protected you better I wish I could hold onto you and just mutter my apologies but your gone, I love you were ever you are.

Mother and father I wasn't the best child I'm sorry if I made a fool out of you sometimes, I swear I tried my best but I guess it's my fault I'm leaving, I got myself into this mess and I'll find a way out and then I'll come home safe and sound. I love you both, I'm so sorry.

Little sister I know the world may seem confusing and you'll question why I'm leaving and I'm sorry I never got to teach you the beauty of this world and I'm sorry if I ever did anything stupid to hurt you, I love you and always will.

To the people in this world forgive me that I'm not like everyone else, but my heart still beats like yours and I still breath like you do so we have the same drive to survive therefore I'm still like you, I still deserve a chance to live, at least give me that.

Dear dollmaker and slenderman, I'm letting you know NOTHING will stop me now, as long as this heart 

keeps beating and as long as I keep breathing I will use every ounce of my strength to make sure I stay alive.

I don't think right now I have room for fear or doubts I have to continue looking ahead.

If there is a ground below me and a sky above me I will forever feel safe.

If there are stars I will forever have a path to guide me.

Keeping this in mind I must be going, he's here to pick me up.

Swallow your fear, and just keep moving.

And I will be there beside you.

I promise

Hope to meet some of you soon.

-I_L

Road bump.

Although it only takes a day to get where I was supposed to go, her car broke down.

We had to wait for a mechanic to come pick us up and take us to the nearest town.

The air was dry and people just drove past as we leaned against the truck.

She told me she was sorry, that she should have been more careful.

I said it was fine; I didn't mind relaxing in the sun.

The guy finally came. He looked at the engine and told us something had overheated. Luckily, he would be able to tow us to the garage and he said he’d let us stay there for a bit.

Once we got there, she went online and bought a plane ticket for me.

"We will arrive at the airport tomorrow. You'll get on the plane and fly to Toronto, and you'll wait there for a few hours; then, fly to Vancouver. You'll stay in the Vancouver airport for a day. Near eleven, a man will pick you up. He will smuggle you into the cargo hold of a plane flying to the U.S. From there, you just have to get past customs and find a way to Jersey..."

Something was off. How did she know exactly where I was headed? Well, to be fair, the whole trip seemed a little off.

This woman, mid-twenties, overhears me talking about getting out of the country and offers me a free ride to the airport, and then offers to pay my way to the United States. Any other adult would have just said, 'Stay in school, you’re too young to live on your own.' Next to that, she seems too kind, paying for everything, leaving out no expense.

Now, she’s just sitting on the couch, watching me as I type this all out. Her stare is totally blank.

She has long blond hair and eyes like green crystals...she reminds me of a doll...













Oh..My..God

She is.

-I_L

running.

Couldn't kill her, I tried.
She tried to kill me, and almost won.

We stood there staring at each other, she wasn't anywhere near any nightmarish image, more like a beautiful angel, hard to imagine.
She almost shone with a white light.

She laughed like a child as she brought the knife down and all I could do was life my arms as a defense.
Slash
Blood splatter
slash
extreme pain
Slash
more of the sound of flesh ripping.

I took the knife by my hands and turned it on her, (the knife left deep cuts in both my hands) impaling it into her stomach, hearing her scream sent shivers down my spine.
I ripped out the knife and felt the serrated edge tear more of her flesh as I pulled with a upwards pull.
once out I didn't stop, stabbing her again in her shoulder with the same upwards tearing motion.

She smile and grabbed my chest twisting the flesh it in a counter clockwise way, her nails dug into it causing blood to run down her fingers, I winced in pain.
And with that smile she spoke 'This body will be mine'.

She was stronger then what her tiny body looked like.
I gripped her arm and tried pulling her away but she was focused on tearing my skin away from me.
I used the knife on her again, right into her eye.

she instantly pulled away covering her face, screeching in pain, swearing at me.
'You fucking bitch, I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, Father..please help father.'

That's when help came in, that's when slenderman came in, and even though he does no have a face he looked pissed.

The last thing I remember is seeing his hands wrapping around my neck and the feeling of a death overcoming me.

I awoke out of breath and terrified my heart beating too fast and my body hurt to much to move.
I'm leaving.
I have to go even if this demon child is inside me I need to find help from someone who can help me rid of her.

I've looked at my map, I'm going to somehow cross the canadian/us border.
I have a girl who's willing to drive me to the border although she say's I'll have to get my own way from there.
That's perfectly fine.
She's going to pay for my plane ticket, then she will take me straight to the border.

I'm scared of what's going to happen from here on in.
But I do have to leave.

I may go to New Jersey, Possibly New York.
To Mystery and Shady be on the look out for me, you may or may not see me.

Joel and Lucas, we may cross paths.

This is it.
Even with the doll maker I must go forward.
I can't risk killing anyone I know well.


Father, Mother forgive me, I know I am not the daughter you've always asked for but up to this point I have tried my hardest.
Sister, I love you, you may not understand why I am gone, but understand I have to leave.

Slenderman, Dollmaker, Proxies.
I HATE YOU.

Running.

-I_L

sorry,

about the post yesterday, me and my mom have been having a lot of fights lately.
A lot.
About everything.
Everything.

She's always been in almost full control of my entire life, its overly stressful and really just pisses me off.
Sometimes I like to keep secrets, but she demands I tell her everything.

Yesterday I went for a walk, to the next town over, then back, when i came home I was bombarded with questions.
'Where did you go?, do you know what time it is?, don't you have school tomorrow?, Were you with someone?'

I know mothers worry, I know parents worry, I know people worry but it was getting ridiculous.
I always answer the same was, I always have, well until the one walk where I get on the ferry, but anyways.

'I went around town, no I don't know 9:30 maybe, No mom i told you I'm done school, No I'm never with someone I've always walked alone.'

"Did you go to Bruce's house?"
You see Bruce is a new worker up at the store, I'll admit he's sort of cute but I have no will or desire to date anyone  at this time in my life, nor do I even WANT to fall in love(something I do too easily).
"No I never"

She raised her eyebrow in a questioning sense
"Humm, are you sure?"

"I just told you NO mom...Jeeze"
She didn't believe me, I wouldn't lie to her about something like that.

Then she said that I'm not acting like I usually do, I've changed.
Oh really, well lets see I'm turning 17 in two days so yeah you COULD possibly say I've changed a little.

but just a little.

Oh did I forget to mention that there's a guy, you know no face, black tie and suit, white undershirt, stands at least oh you know eight maybe nine feet tall, possibly wants to kill me? Also there's another 'thing' inside me who periodically takes control and kills people, and there's little followers of the big no face man who have attacked me.

Silly me, mom, my bad.

Nope, none of that that could have possibly changed me, well guess its puberty after all.

Next to that I'm lonely.
No other runners(around here), just me, no one else around here see's slenderman, just me.
Guess I can't just wait for someone to come here grab my arm and take me with them I'll have to go looking on my own.

I don't want to run alone, but I'm sure I'll have to.
I've asked for a bag for my B-day its a hunting bag.
I'll be packing.

Then.

Ill be leaving.

As About God.
God, I love you, I want to serve you, but to have someone plan out steps as to what I would have to do scares me, I know right from wrong, but being human I will mess up, I wouldn't do wrong on free will.

So help me?
Lead me?
Because i'm never going to have the strength on my own.

Dreaming.

-I_L 

yes?

finals are done.
I am free..
Wait am I?
I don't know anymore who's in control.

Let me explain:

some time this morning I awoke in the woods, all I could do was look up into the dark night, the stars and moon were still up which means it must have been early morning and the ground was a little damp, I assume from the rainfall we've been having.
It was peaceful so I just enjoyed it, the fresh smell of grass and sweet water filled the cool night air, I don't think I enjoyed the night so much as this one time.
My hand's felt warm, unnaturally warm, as if someone was pouring a hot, warm liquid over them. At first the feeling was weird but I grew use to it.

I was growing aware more and more of my surroundings as I sat up at looked around, the moon illuminated every tree and moss filled surface, the sound of the waterfall that is just outside my community seemed closer then ever.
It seemed as if I was slowly becoming aware of my senses, touch the liquid, smell the grass and air, see the light, hear the noises, taste the copper.

The copper that was on my lips, the copper that stained my pale lips a blood soaken red as I soon learned from rubbing my fingers across my bottom lip the colour of red appeared on my fingers.
It was blood, not the lipstick on my makeup drawer, which was home the place I sure of hell wasn't.

The feeling of something beating, squirming and twitching in my other hand, the one that was on the wet moss I squeezed it unsure of what it was soft and warm.
there was a  gurgling, a soft whimper and noise of splurting, those un-human noises will never leave my dreams.

It was him, the guy who had injured me, his chest was sliced perfectly around his heart, his bloody, beating, dying heart that was in my hand.
He was unable to speak for the only thing coming from his mouth now was blood, warm thick blood that glimmered in the moon's light down his pale, dying face.
His hand's reached out to mine, as if begging for me to save him.
I couldn't help, I shuffle back, tears mixed with the dried blood on my face.

I noticed everything now, all my surroundings became perfectly clear, all the blood that mixed with the dirt and moss, how the trees swayed in the soft breeze.
And the terrified scream that escaped from my lips.
And the way that fucking maniac smiled, the way that he turned his lips for one last time before I crushed his heart in my hand's.
before I really put an end to him.

I came home, bloodied up, and washed the best I could of my sins away down the drain.
How I acted like nothing happened.
But inside I was still terrified, of that face, that smile, that still beating heart and how I killed him.

He was still alive when I crushed his only life in my hands.
I'm a killer.
I'm worthless.
I'm scared.
I need to get away.
Who am I
What is my purpose for living?

should I run?
Where could I run
I need to kill someone
It will be my last kill
It will be my only purposeful murder, the only one I will choose to commit with these two bare hands.

I need to kill the doll maker.
I need to kill that fucking girl, I don't see mii anymore.
Its her fucking face, her laugh her thoughts I'm not living my life.
and its scaring me.

Planning

-I_L

friend/foe?

Hey.
I'm semi-alive I like to think I'll never be alive because a part of me can't sleep.

Maybe because Mr.noface follows mii too.
Maybe because proxies won't stop leave me lovely dead animals.
Maybe because I'm half insane.

All of the above//>?
Dammit.
My 'friend' got her nose pierced, personally I think it looks:
Super fucking ridicules, its Ugly as fucking hell and I almost punched her in the face when I saw her.
No joke she lied to me too.


she said 'Oh no I wont get it done' when I asked her about it.
Pops in Wednesday 'Oh hi' *Tries to hug me* I pushed her away.
I FUCKING HATE HER RIGHT NOW!


I don't think I've ever been SO mad at someone.
'Oh but I'm still the same me as yesterday'
Yeah with a fucking silver thing attached to your FUCKING NOSE!\
'Oh but I'll only have it in for a little while then I can get a pretty rhinestone'
I REALLY hope you fucking wake up one day and look into the mirror and regret ever getting it done!.
I really do 
Needless to say I stopped talking to her all together, not so hard because I'm so mad at her.

She walked up to me and tried to apologize
stammering like a stupid child
I laughed at her and told her I didn't give a dam anymore, she could do what she wanted because I was no longer involved in her life.
She begged me to just talk to her.
I said no.
I said soon it wouldn't matter.
I said I would be gone.
I didn't say goodbye.
I didn't say how I hated how she fucking lied to me.
I didn't say how hurt I was.
I didn't say how much I loathed her.

I didn't say a lot of things I should have.

she was right it was her choice to get it.
but it's my choice on my opinion.

She's right I'm a bitch because I stopped talking to her because of that one thing,
but she don't know its was because of a lot of things,
She don't know that when I stopped talking to her all her other little friends stopped talking to me.
The people who I THOUGHT were my friends
Aren't they wont talk to me because I wont talk to her.

Jack asses.
what the hell?!
as if I didn't have enough issues.
I can't wait till two of them graduate and I never have to see them again.
then next year its her and her boyfriend.
Her and her FUCKING boyfriend.


Screw them.
Screw life.
Screw slenderman.
FUCK HIM, LEAVE ME ALONE, get out of my head slenderman, you think your so good?


What is it you even want of me?
To make me a follower? A proxie? you want me to work for you? do you wanna kill me?




 I'm running away soon, pretty damn soon.
God know's where, all I know is to get off this place and somewhere far away.
Somewhere far far away.
From everything, everyone.




 'Do you wanna play a game? I'll play a game I'll set the stage and you will run, I'll follow you with careful steps, I'm just behind you peek-a-boo'
What the hell does that mean?

Confusion

-I_L

 

Heartbeat stop. Sing for the Microphone Mii.

Nearly died.
I am Ok.
I am OK?
Am I OK?

been singing a lot apparently, not normal music (question mark;://(?), what is normal).
Song's about Him..Not good.
Actually found a recording I must have done, distorted and fuzzy.

'If you lead me out from the darkness, I'll lead you straight back in I'll lead you to the place, the place with the slenderman, soon you cannot hide, he'll thank me for this work and he'll give me all the dolls he calls them human C*white noise*es '

I got scared very scared.
Was that Mii singing?!
No not possibly my voice, not possible
I then tried to do another recording of a song I was writing Did not go over well I played it once and there was a blank part where i knew I had sung, amplified it then played it again.

went something like this.

'Who i-*silence*(Ps from here on it had to be amped) *fuzzy noise* love who is hate *Odd noise as if someone was vacuuming at the time AKA more different audio messing up* WHO WILL(yes it really amped up in the last part) then the rest was normal.

I saved the file.
I'll upload it to youtube so you can hear it, I did NOT(EMPHASES ON THE NOT) tweak it at all the only tweaking i did with the audio was amp it so I could hear it.
My head hurts.
so does my stomach.

I'm not well at all.

With dreams

-I_L

Sleep for tomorrow is a new day.

Even I shall attempt sleep.
Attempt being the key word.

Dream sweet.
Rest well.
Gather strength.
For tomorrow is a new day.
Although it's the same battle.

'I often look into the starlit skies and ask myself why it is that I am alive in such a cruel, cold world'
Then the answer always hit's me.
"Because I was given the strength provided to push through..."

With Faith

-I_L

New life.

I've been thinking a lot.
Too much?
Maybe.

mainly of my life where i'm going from here on in
Hell as long as i stay safe I guess it don't matter but why is it that we take risk's at a young age? I mean don't we ever remember that were human and were eventually gunna grow old.
 I've been thinking on if I'll ever get married or maybe someday settle down.
Sometime's I think too far ahead.
Scary.

It's officially summer with the hot muggy weather now giving my family a new reason to wine(funny actually they complained it was too cold and wasn't warming up fast enough and BAM beautiful hot day and they complain it's too hot. Guess its hard to adjust from winter jackets to summer shorts in a one day timespan)
I've been spending a lot of time on the roof, just staring out into the ocean wondering if I ran where on earth I would go, how far i would go, and if I could do it.
Can I do it? will I do it? well eventually, It seems so exciting get away stay away be free even for a day, until the real world hits down on you after awhile. I mean i'm 16, no steady job, no cash, no mode of transportation(excluding feet and bike) then it get's dark out and Slenderman is out there waiting and his little minions too, there all waiting.

The leaves are coming out, all of them are so beautiful this was her favorite time of the year, Jessica loved running around and looking at the leaves and the pussy willows.
I always had to remind her not to pick them because they were just about to give new life.
The dandelions are all blooming too the bright yellow flowers everyone call's weed's.
I picked a batch, there in my bedroom in a small vase.
I know there going to die soon, that makes mii sad.

Lately I've just wanted to sleep, thats all just sleep get up eat a little then go back to sleep.
It's very strange actually I never get like this, I ran at 6 this morning then came home and slept till 7:30 thats only 15 minutes for mii to get ready.

Not that I really gave a bloody hell, I just got on some clean clothing, did my makeup put on something so I wouldn't smell of sweat and got on the bus.
I won't talk to my friends there all too lovey dovey in with there boyfriends and girlfriends, I can't stand to think of having a relationship right now, last thing I need it to get someone else tangled in this mess.

And if they didn't get tangled I would need someone who A] would mind me and my emotional issues and B] wouldn't mind running away with mii.

It's really kind of a burden, that why I choose not to work with anyone.
Fear I'll just become a burden.

I had a dream last night, I saw Jessica she reached out her hand and when I took it she gave me a hug and said 'It's ok, I'm not in pain anymore, just go, keep going and don't stop, this will be the last time you see me but don't give up, you are what will keep my memory alive..because you are the only one who remembers me'

She smiled even though she was crying.
'I'll still watch you, like I promised just not under the stars'.

I woke up I felt calm and at peace.
but I know.
Slenderman, you will pay for taking my Jessica away from mii.
Hear that?
I hope so because when I get a hold of you you'll wish that you didn't lay one finger on her.
as for your little proxies and followers, I'll get rid of you too, one by one.

With hope

-I_L

Impossible..not a word in my dictionary.

Nor is it in the bible
Ive asked over and over again
 why I think the way I think
Or why I do the things I do.

If you believe in God or not is your choice.
I'm starting to read the bible again.
Hoping in some way to get strength
Maybe give me some sort of new found hope and light something this world of darkness need's.
I feel I've been praying empty handed lately, The truth is I want God in my life and he does not want much from us except love for him.
Maybe this is a turn off for you, I don't know if you care or not, but this could just be a rambling through of a 16-year-old who can hardly sleep.
''All things are possible" -Luke 18:27

Could it be that if I am loaded down or hurt or confused or sad or overburdened or angry that God can help me?
Can I believe this truly?
After Jessica..After slenderman...after proxies and hollowed after watching fear itself invade my dreams and tear me apart?

Could I believe in a new hope and light?
Only one way to tell.
I don't know if you believe in God or a God for that matter, I don't know if you want scriptures in the recent post there for I won't do it, wont place scriptures in my updates.

I guess God is my own personal choice, therefore I won't force this upon you.

Memories&Dandelions

No pictures remain of my little cousin.
I've looked through old family photographs and video's.
Large chunks of all my homemade videos are missing or distorted.

Why is whoever took her so deemed on destroying her existence?
I remember when I asked her what she wanted to be and how she told me that she wanted to become a motivational speaker.

'Well why that of all things Jess?'
'That way I can make people learn to love life! I want to make people happy'

She always though of others before herself.

'Melissa you'll come to all my talks right? When I grow up you'll be there cheering me on right?'
'Of course, I'll be there every talk even if I have to walk there and when I get old I'll be here for you forever I promise'

'You'll always be here to protect me?'
'Yes I promise just call me when you need me'
'What if I hold a talk on the moon?'
'I'll grow wings and fly there!'
She laughed
'Big Cousin you can't fly! Thats just silly'
'Yeah I guess I can't but I'll try..now eat your ice cream before aunty find's out I gave you sweet's before lunch'

I wasn't there..I wasn't there to protect her...I lied.
Now she's gone.
I'm scared of loosing her from my own memory, If I do this blog, these post are the only thing that will keep her alive.

--

Innocence is beautiful
Like the first blooming flower
everyone calls it a weed
And yet eagerly you pick a small bouquet
And hand them to me
To you these yellow flowers
Are the most beautiful creation
You had yet to learn
That they were ugly to most eyes
Even then I could see you asking me why
Why could they not see it like you see it
Why they destroyed it and never gave it a chance.
You told me you wanted a small field filled with them.
So when they turned white you could blow there seed's and watch them be free.
So you could let them be given a chance, even if it was only a small one.
And I smiled as we sat on the swings and you told me your life plans.
How you would grow up, who you would marry, your little house in the field of dandelions.
You mentioned how the sun would set the field into a golden sea and your children's names.
You mentioned how you wanted me in your life and took my hand and made me pinky swear that I would stand by you and protect you.
And I did so happily.
Then when the stars came out you asked me about angels and if they were watching over us.
You asked so many questions, you wanted to know so much.
Half the time I couldn't answer you.
You then fell silent.
And you told me.
That no matter how far we are, you would be watching over me too
I asked tearfully how
And you smiled and told me you could because we were under the same sky and the same stars.
And how we would never be alone as long as we were together.

-I_L

Update on Jessica.

StillMissing.

Her parent's will not be on any news station or any radio broadcast, nor any newspaper articles.
This is a very touchy subject for them, they refuse to let the public know, my parents would do the same for me it's the way my family is.

My mother was on the phone with my aunt all day crying I felt so pathetic I couldn't do or say anything to comfort her.
'It's OK' is a lie
'She'll come home' is false
because I don't even know if we will find her, if my dream is right slenderman could have done anything to her, killed her, hollowed her, taken her somewhere we will never find.

I wrapped her in a blanket she's asleep.
My aunt just called, "Baby, Jessica..she left us..why"
"Jessica never did anything, I will personally find the person responsible and rip them apart with my bare hands" was that the best type I could offer?

Was it the only truth I could create?
I would rip them apart I swear to God almighty, I will tear there beating heart out and make them pay.

I won't stop until Jessica is found.
I won't rest until she is safe.

-I_L

Natural sleep.insomniatic lullaby

Natural sleep, something beautiful I have yet to discover.
But my body can't handle, what I have handed over.
So as for now let an insomniatic sleep rush over me.
And maybe In the morning, I'll learn to dream again.





-I_L

Calmed down.

It took awhile, maybe from shock and not being able to think properly, maybe from the massive amounts of tears that stung my eyes as I bolted out the door running until I felt as if I had lost that tall bastard(excuse my language I usually don't swear still trying to kick the habit).

But eventually after my side ached, my head was pounding and my mind had cleared, even if the fog was only getting thicker I ended up returning home to my bedroom just as I had left it.

Bed unmade, shelves piled with papers and small dolls pillows lay neatly on the floor.
This one moment gave me time to reflect, what was I thinking not only did I go outside but I ran INTO the tree's my brain was not working I don't know WHY I though the trees of all places would be safe!

I'm such a idiot, how can I help other's If I can hardly control my own hurricane of emotion's.
I swear I saw him, he was there, in a mocking way his arms wide open almost as if saying 'come at me'.

I wasn't seeing things, I'm not faking this, this is all real, why was I so scared, I'm such a baby..
Why me?

Guessing I should add the crucial fact that it's probably my fault to begin with, If I had left well enough alone I would be fine.
I posted too much today.
Now I'm treating this site like twitter, it must be annoying.
I'm sorry.
This is a place where I feel understood like i'm not crazy.

For all I know you could be reading this with a smile and laughing to yourself.
Taking it all as a joke.

Should I give up and quit?

June 2nd, Hey I'm still alive...I think

Alive in the way that  I'm breathing and performing task's to keep myself alive.
I think that's the only way I could possibly be alive because right now I feel dead, I haven't slept in what feels like forever, and I've blacked out a lot recently as well.

Going to the hospital next Friday to get blood work done, I don't think it's because of a sickness known to medicine, no its him.

It's him the one known as many names, Slender man, Tall man, der grobmann, Slendy.
Whatever you wanna call him, I could care less personally I call him Slenderman but that's just me.

I blacked out on a bench up near a park in my town for about 5 minutes yesterday well on my walk.
that one was peaceful, I actually didn't dream, didn't wake up scared, summer is coming I'm always happy at this time.

During summer I sleep outside a lot, because it's warmer. I wonder because of all that's happened will I do it this year too? Last night I never slept again not unusual you think after 4-5 day's I'd be getting use to it I'm not if anything it's only affecting my head more and more.

I'm coming to the point where I can't think or speak or move or function.
that is unhealthy, perhaps I'm dieing...
I don't want to die, I want to rest, to live..I don't want to be normal though I look at humans now with a different view.

Humans just live, I don't think we really seem to have a reason we just kinda go with whatever is thrown our way.
Me? I now have reason..reason for everything..although I know WHAT it is & I know is it is THERE.

I Will Help in any way
I Will Protect all I can who are running and fighting.
To the best of my ability I will help those fighting against Slenderman.
Those who serve him, be careful.

As long as I can remember this I will keep living, Fighting my own battle
Hey Slenderman, proxies anyone on HIS side.
If you think you've won the battle
you've only lost your mind.

-I_L

Mom forced the pills on me.

I refused to take them after last night, I reached over to give her a kiss she was researching on Insomnia...
I hate making her worry.

Mother I love you.

                                                                                                                                             -I_L

to sleep anymore...will become my nightmare.

The drug's worked, I was knocked out hardly woke up till I felt a stabbing pain in my neck and then woke up crying.

I swear it must have been maybe 2:30 AM although it was hard to tell I woke up In my bed, sore, very sore the left side of my neck ached so badly could no one hear me crying?

I moved slowly out of bed and into my dressing room and turned on the light's, they stung my eyes and looked at my neck, a bruise bad one too, hurt a lot.

It only hurts now If I turn my head the wrong way, my friend saw it, we were sitting at the lunch table talking she moved my hair back, she saw it and I knew she did.

well walking to class she stopped me 'Why is there a bruise on your neck, if your upset about something tell me'.
I did, I told her 'I woke up and it was there...'.

Nothing else was said, what else could I say?
I will not sleep again, now I have a reason to stay awake who could have done this?
why would they...

I don't think I'll sleep anymore with my own free will...
I don't see why people love sleeping, horrible, horrible, horrible!

I'll create my own little daytime lullaby, so I can be at peace and relaxed...Maybe then I wont need to sleep.

I_L