It's too late to turn back

The father is not the Doc I knew…..

The father is not the Doc…..

The father is….

I cried I’m sorry about my not being here I guess I have a right to explain, so explain I shall.

Let’s start with the father: Thuggee, that bastard, I can’t tell if he used me but either way this isn’t good. The second I read it, the second I read the words “Lullaby is my daughter” I….excuse this but. FUCK SHES MY BABY AND YOU WILL HAVE NO PART IN HER LIFE!

Why am I being this way? It’s not like me…even as a teenager I should have a better head on my shoulders.

Point two; I’m planning something, for both myself and my daughter. It requires me leaving, far away…and if I leave, I leave everything and I will no longer update my status to the world, I would be presumed dead.

Shit, I shouldn’t have said that.

Maybe I’m just planning on leaving.

“Mother…” Lullaby was standing at my door way, her long black hair fell to one side as she cocked her head, her hands were behind her back, and she looked saddened.

“What is it Lullaby?” She took a deep breath and her white dress moved up and down as she held out her hands, looking away her eyes near tears and in her hands was a sad sight. A small bird, a small blue bird, its throat neatly slit.

Her hands were covered in still drying blood and the birds feathers around its neck were neatly painted the same crimson colour.

“Lullaby where did you find this?”

She pointed outside, towards the forest. “I heard the sound of birds, and got curious, when I went into the forest this birdy was on the ground, can we help it?”

She went beyond the boundary, I looked at her as she studied the small bird, it was still alive its tiny chest in and out at a rapid pace.

I took the bird into my hands, and sadly put on a fake smile. “I’ll see what I can do baby, no go wash your hands   okay?”

Lullaby smile, content now she went away to do as she was told, Sadly I knew the truth I would have to bury the small creature its tiny beaded black eyes glanced at me softly as its life slowly slipped away right in my hands, it’s been a long time since something died in my hands.

I still hate the feeling.

Not yet forgotten

I remember how the skies were painted a delicate sky blue, I remember laying on the solid green grass, the earth beneath me and the truth was nothing could stop me I probably would have wanted to fly if I knew that I wasn’t so planted to the ground.

I remember watching the birds, there white wings cutting through the air, I remember being 13. The way the warm summer air caressed my hair and found its way under my shirt to warm and tickled my body.

Where is that innocence? That beauty what I once saw, where did it go? I had a dream during it was of that blue sky only this time I was flying.

“Dammit!” I cried out, why dammit? Why did I cry out that? Lullaby came rushing in she turned her head and her black hair bounced slighting.

“Mommy OK?” she asked, she only started speaking and everything that exits her tiny little pink lips is sweet sounding and relaxes you, her innocence is…outstanding.  

“Yes mommy’s ok Lullaby go play”

The young child cocked her head slightly, she didn’t believe me. “Sure?” she asked again, this time I nodded and smiled.

It’s hard to keep up with Lullaby I’m tired all the time and lately I feel so alone, she watched the trees a lot. She will sit on the ground and watch the tree tops sway back and forth with a mystified look in her small eyes almost as if there’s something up there we cant see.

And recently  I’m living on a single thought, ‘protect’. What though? What am I to protect could it be Lullaby? Shady?  The Haven? Myself? It’s been driving me crazy and I’m so tired, I’m tempted to abandon this stupid piece of work and give up on Lullaby and just….

Just go away.

I could smack myself sometimes you know? It’s almost Christmas as well, secretly I went into town and bought Lullaby something, it’s a small necklace with a silvery blue round charm on it.

I won’t give it to her yet though, not yet, not until she’s a little older.

I have hopes Lullaby, My precious Lullaby that you will one day reach a new height, can’t you feel it? The warm breeze calling to you, you will find it and embrace it. Lullaby I know you will love the feel of it as it caresses your black hair and when it drives through the cracks of your fingers. You’ll love the touch of the cool water as it swarms around your feet and the sounds of the seagulls crying out.

Lullaby my hope is that you will live in a beautiful home next to the ocean, where the sun’s rays crawl over the blue ocean dying it a golden colour, its true you may never have a field of dandelion’s that make a sea. But if you’re lucky maybe I can give you a sea that looks like a field of dandelion’s.

Lullaby I love you and I can swear, some days you say:

‘I love you too mommy’  

Visitor in the woods

Lullaby was walking around inside the border; I am amazed at how fast my baby girl is growing. I don’t know what a normal growth is but I don’t think this one is.

The wind blew harshly and it caressed my hair, Lullaby walked up to be and kissed my forehead smiling and laughing. But still she won’t talk; she responds to her name well I call it out ‘Lullaby’ and she runs towards me.

Mr.Sunshine was wandering around outside and so were the masc. Even so without Shady and Trina and Mystery and even Lucas it didn’t feel like home…I didn’t know if I could let Lullaby grow up here, even with the wards she would still wander into slenderman or one of his proxies.

“DeMii” I looked over my shoulder as Brood called my name; he motioned for me to come towards him. “Lullaby mommy will be right back.”

As I stood up Lullaby wanted to follow, she waddled towards me clumsy as can come her dress wavered in the wind showing her socked feet.

“Lullaby mommy will be right back” I whispered patting her head, she blinked looking at me with her soft hazel eyes, she didn’t understand why I was leaving her and she seemed upset by it as she gripped my hand.

“Unn Unn” she said over and over, lullaby never seemed to speak only make noises. Still reluctantly she let go and wandered off.  Within moments after reaching Brood I turned to see someone grab my baby. “Lullaby!” I cried out running towards my child, her long black hair curled in the now spine chilling wind that seemed to sway the trees.

“Yes?” I asked, the wind seemed cooler over here I noticed there was less protection from the haven.

“Its about Lullaby…” I could feel my heart race, in a way it almost sank.

I swallowed and prepared to speak, “Yes? What about Lullaby” I asked curiously.

“Havnt you noticed? Her growth is in a way almost unexplainable, I don’t want to alarm anyone else but it seems abnormal…”

The weirdest part was, I had noticed, I didn’t know what was normal though but thinking about it lullaby was already able to wabble her way around the haven.

I nodded firmly, “yes ive noticed that…” I said a bit unsure still of what Brood was getting at.

“I want to be sure you and her stay safe” “Understood now if you don’t mind I have to go back and make sure she dose not do something that would cause harm.

I turned around to see Lullaby being held by someone at the edge of the ward. “Mommy!” She cried out I couldn’t tell who was with her but it was at the wards edge, I managed to run closer and closer feeling my heart stop entirely.

I remember… that figure. He held out his arms, handing Lullaby back to me, I took Lullaby back into my arms, no struggle could he have been protecting lullaby?

“Mommy!” Lullaby yelled holding onto me tightly I could feel tears streaming down her face. ”Mommy! Scared!” She started crying into my neck.

I couldn’t understand why was he protecting Lullaby? He looked at me then walked off, what was a supposed to say?

I brought Lullaby back into the haven and put her down for a nap

I never wanted lullaby to say the words scared…could I not protect her right, I’m a bad mother I should have brought her with me.

Kitty.

I took Lullaby out for a walk, the air was chilly maybe a bit too much for Lullaby, but we needed to go out. It’s been awhile since Lullaby got fresh air and Doc…. Goddamit is all I can really say. Am I going to make this a drama show on how the father leaves the mother and leaves nothing but for the mother to use her entire life raising the child? No, in fact I’ll raise Lullaby perfectly fine on my own.

Also I want to keep her safe, safe from HIM the slenderman, if I can keep Lullaby safe from even just him im a good mother. No person should have to go through dealing with the slenderman. The being who drove me and her into this madness, proxies, mind controlled beings…this has to stop, we have to beat it for our children or friends our family.

Lullaby made a small noise, not like she was speaking, but she was excited as she pointed towards the ground. I looked down to see what the fuss was about there on the ground was a cat. Lullaby was getting very excited.

A cat? Really? I was more concerned on finding Doc, the problem is I don’t know where to look, I would check his blog but in a way I’m too scared of what I would find. Now that I think of it this whole commotion is my fault and lullaby? Lullaby was looking at me, strictly, unwaveringly in the eyes. “What’s wrong?” I said in my motherly voice, nothing changed, the cat was still there, her eyes never left mine. “Lullaby?”  I didn’t know if it was lack of rest or lack of food but I suddenly became dizzy.

‘down’ I slowly lowered myself to the ground, on my knees holding lullaby. Clenching in pain I heard the childlike voice in my head again ‘kitty’. The cat ran up towards us and rubbed its head against lullaby and she sounded so pleased.

‘kitty…’  Lullaby reach out and petted it. ‘such a pretty kitty’ lullaby was happy the pain ceased and slowly I was able to get up. My baby was starting to get fussy maybe a mixture of the cold and the fact that Lullaby has not been sleeping right I fed her and put her back in her crib.

The only thing I can do to relax myself is read how others are doing, but even that not makes me depressed things have been going things are becoming missing. I heard my pocket watch tick, maybe I could message Lucas tell him how baby Lullaby is, how I am…

Then again, can messages reach heaven?

I don’t think I cried so hard in a long time, one of my close friends has died, this is a world with slenderman after all what else can we expect I won’t be surprised if Lullaby grows up in this world. I want to teach her how to survive, and for god’s sake if I can’t teach her maybe someone else can maybe an Angel.

Goddammit how do I keep my faith like this?! I finally got some sleep and all I can dream about is the snow and an angel holding my Lullaby, Please God don’t take away my Lullaby…..

Shes all I have left.

Lullaby and happiness?

Lullaby was falling asleep, her eyes slowly closing, making small motions with her tiny lips small bubbles forming, her tiny hands reaching around touching my face.

I put her in the crib to sleep, she was so peaceful breathing in softly, her chest moving slowly, its been awhile since ive updated I’m sorry baby lullaby is so quiet it scares me, I sat by her crib rocking it softly.

“Lay down you head and ill sing you a lullaby, and ill sing you to sleep, bless you with love for the road that you go…”

I got up slowly, my white skirt falling to my ankles, I wrapped my black sweater tightly around my bare arms. She really is beautiful Mystery, I wish you could see her so delicate and small, next thing I know im running.

Blindly running, through the woods, the branches ripping at my clothing, at my skin, I can’t even remember from what all I remember is a voice in my head telling me to run.

I remember the ground crunching under me, forming around my foot and how I twisted my ankle and started to fall, my chest hitting the ground so hard I forgot how to breathe.

When I woke up it was pitch black, I was lost, and it was cold. The cold stabbed me on my bare skin over and over and over its knife gliding over me slicing my bare skin.

All I saw was the darkness, all I could think about was lullaby she would be awake by now, probably crying, but that was the odd thing, Lullaby never cried since her birth, now she just watches you almost as if she sees something.

It’s so weird; you could walk by her crib, make the loudest noise, or wake her up and she will just stare at you, never cry never want to be lifted or fed she just stared at you. I think she smiled once, when she saw a kitten….that was the only time.

I managed to wander back, feeling my way throughout the forest, upon my return I stumbled into the bedroom, lullaby turned her head at the sound of my entrance and stared at me she reached her hand out.

She was hungry.

Lullaby

So much has happened, so much.

One day before baby Lullaby's birth, my fathers body was dragged from the woods, this caued me great panic.

A proper burial, my father would never meet his beloved grandaughter.

Baby lullaby has been born, healty, beautiful, she never cried at first, I got scared babys should cry right? It didnt take long before she did cry, her tiny blue eyes leaked clear tears.

Her small hands clenched and unclenched swiftly and she was wrapped up quickly. Once in my arms she stopped, looked up at me, her tiny lips pressed against each other, small blond hairs.

She was beautiful.

And she fell asleep.

Could I kill what I have created?

Mystery is gone....she, I wanted her to hold baby Lullaby once before she left. I remember she gave me a kiss on my forhead, it was soft, it seemed Non-existance.

I made her the godmother of little Lullaby.

I wish I could have told her that she was, I'm sure she would have been so happy....

I wish you the best, please dont forget us.

Trina and Shady, your both aunts now.

Doc, your a father.

And I'm a mother.

I love you

I know what happened between Lullaby and I may seem a bit confusing, I’ll explain in as simply as I can. 

From the beginning until a few days ago, Lullaby was writing, it was not me, Lullaby was writing the blog entries, Lullaby was the one who meet you all, Lullaby was the one running. I was, as you know me as, Dollmaker, DM, guess it may be confusing as DM has always stood for DeMii, too bad Lullaby could not remember that and had to give me a name like Dollmaker. And now I’m back, now it’s DeMii.

I thought maybe I should clear it up.

My baby is kicking now, I found out that it really is a girl, my baby’s a girl.

Doc has been my main comfort, and that’s all I’ve been around with, just him, I want to comfort him more so then anyone. I wish we could cuddle, but my belly is contently getting in the way, stupid belly. I want my baby, Lullaby, to have a great life.

I walked in with Doc after having lunch, I didn’t even say anything I just grabbed onto his hand and squeezed tightly. Slender man, Slender man, Slender man. I’m allowed to be angry if he hurts anyone I’ll..I’ll, I fight with my bare hands and kill him.

Kill him? What am I saying? I’m only a human the most I can do right now is protect the ones I love from that monster. Doc I want to protect you I love you so much, I know this all is scary, but I’m here.

“I love you…you know that right?”

“Yes”

“You know I will always love you, no matter what, right?”

He smiled and held me tightly, and I smiled as softly as I could and kissed him, Doc I want to be here to comfort you forever. But even I know forever is impossible, just something we say because some of us think were invincible.

But I will love you until I die, I promise you that.

I stayed with him all day, my hand never left his, I wanted to make sure he knew I was here for him. No matter what he thinks, even if he goes crazy, even if he thinks he’s insane and don’t want me no more….

I’m still going to be here.